PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

*3 for billing *69 doesn't work *you call me a liar?

Friday, Jul. 12, 2002
I hate cell phone services. I hate AT&T. I hate Verizon. I hate Sprint PCS. And I really hated Primeco back in the day. Cell phone services always act like they can’t possible be wrong and that we the consumer can’t ever have anything worthwhile to say.

I am currently bent over with my phone between my ear and neck getting assfucked by some dumb cellular service customer service representative. They have the crappiest hold music, like something in a bad down South StP dentists office. She keeps saying, “OK Mrs…. Let me review your account..” and this lovely music is back again. I went in there last week to the payment office and made this mucho big payment and tried to upgrade my service plan. Dick, the counter whore told me that my plan was successfully upgraded to include mucho minutes. Then they up and turn my phone OFF with no notice, nothing. I go to their exclusive website to check my usage and voila, the reason…they never upgraded. And now they think that by crediting me $31.80, half of the “overage charge” that I should be creaming my little pink panties in gratitude. They’re fucked. And, I can’t restore my service until tomorrow when I go in and pay my bill. They are seriously just so wrong. And yet, I have a year’s plan with them and therefore I am bent over getting assfucked and they want me to smile and cum and make a few more thousands of dollars worth of phone calls. Totally f’d. They are going to put my new plan into place on July 20th when then I can make 5,000 minutes worth of night and weekend phone calls and 500 minutes of anytime phone calls. But that won’t be until the 20th. Until then I must only use my phone on the nights and weekends. I can handle that. But the whole reason this was ever a problem…Dick, the counter whore lied to me.

when I was typing this entry into my word document, I totally lost electricity and then I went and laid in bed in the complete dark thinking bout this cell business. And had this thought…

“He” and I had a huge talk tonight about his ex-girlfriend “L” who keeps calling him now that she realizes that she’s lost “him”. He was willing to give her everything. She lives about 4 hours from him. He told her, “rent out your house for 6 months to a year” come live here. I’ll give you a job where I work and if your ex-husband who has his name on the title of your car comes and takes your car, don’t worry I know places where we can get you a really kick-ass car for about $2500 that will more than make up for it.” Voila, solving all possible issues she has with moving to be with him. She never did it. She just sorta lallygagged around doing nothing at all. He grew tired of it and broke it all off. This was a rather short-term thing and he’s moved on. She keeps calling him in full blown tears proclaiming to know what she lost. Well….earlier tonight she called him doing this again. This was the second major time now. He tries to explain to her that he was there ready to follow through and she wasn’t committed. He mops his kitchen floor while she cries, tries to be kind to her and they eventually reach the end of the conversation.

a few minutes later a phone rings further south… “hello?”

“kristy?”

“yeah, what’s up?”

“she called again crying..”

I know enough to know he can’t take this. That he feels badly. And I honestly do hear it in his voice and I say “I’m sorry”

“me too” he says, “me too” 2 hours into the conversation it takes a complete left hook….

”Kristy…I have to tell you something and set something I did wrong straight. Remember back in March when I told you to move on and forget about me and how you were only bad for me?”

“yes?”

Well, I only said that because you finally moved out and you never even talked to me about moving to NC first and all the sudden you were signing a 7-month lease there and that was all settled before we ever even talked about anything. I woulda thought that you would have asked me if you could come here before you did what you decided to do. I would have thought that after all those months you would have talked about the possibilities. That you would have talked “with” me…”

“you told me that you didn’t want me to move.”

”that didn’t mean that you couldn’t. I mean if you really wanted something to happen why didn’t you even ask me about jobs and stuff here?”

”I thought…I thought you wanted me to move on.”

”I did. I just… You realize if you came and knocked on my door I’d open it and let you in. You have to know that after all this time, right?”

“I never knew anything about you because everything you said was opposite of what you mean, and everything you mean is never what you say…wait that means the same thing no matter how you say it.”

“I wanted you to ask me about jobs in NC….Why didn’t you ever talk to me about you moving here. If you wanted so bad to be with me why didn’t you just move here to first live on your own, get your life straight here. I would have helped you….”

He wanted me to move to NC to live by myself? To get my life straight? So he said “forget about me, move on with your life, I got a girlfriend..”

Now I know I was seriously confused because he seriously wasn’t telling me what was really in his mind and not because I did anything wrong. With him I’ve always been left wondering… “what the fuck?” No wonder, for all the times I told him stuff I didn’t mean or feel, he did the same. What a jumbled fumbled ball… One that doesn’t matter, he’s already got another girlfriend….P. Out with one, in with another. The last one…he bought her an outfit for $85. This one gets some dolphin lamps and a dinner at the waffle house though he swears it was somewhere else now and that he only met up with her there.

Just think, I could be living in NC right now eating greasy waffles with someone who can’t really tell me shit about the truth anymore than I can tell him. At least the guilt is gone for me. I wasn’t alone in the confusion.

It sucks to intrinsically love someone and then find out that maybe you love a fabrication by two disillusioned minds for which neither can be brutally true.

What really sucks is all I ever got was a beautiful little bottle of perfume, a pair of earrings and a how to write book. And if he wanted to give me even 10% of what he is to me, I would be the happiest girl alive. He wanted to give L all 100% and she stood there dumbfounded. Now P…who knows yet. I think he’s working his way down the alphabet. When we met he just left B.

I’m going to ask him if he’ll help me do what I should have done back in March. See what he says then…..

Either way, when it ends with P. like I already know it will, I’m not paying the cell bill just to hear how hurt he is that P. wouldn’t give him all of her heart. The only thing I learned tonight was that he denies it but then in one fell swoop he admits that it is me that he wishes was just close. So we could date. Boy and girl hand in hand, watching movies, doing boy and girl “we just met” things. But he wishes I didn’t have to lose anything to do it. He wishes he didn’t have to feel responsible for everything knowing that it might not work out and I might just resent him in the end for my moving there. He said he wishes we could just spend time together and find out without the rest of this mess. And when P. breaks his heart, I’m going to sit somewhere else and cry all alone because I’m tired of being the salve for all his dejected wounds. I say that but I already know I’ll rip the delicate paper off of a band aid. Put it on his scratch and kiss it better. I am too much a giver..when I care. He still holds too much of me.. When he hurts, I never can push him away. I shouldn’t let him have pieces of me . I told him “you want pieces of me, never all of me”. I think that was what made him confess… He simply said, “I do want… I am just realistic”. I thought he didn’t want a thing. That’s what he said, but not what he meant. My artist friend, Greg Carlson told me to always “say what you mean and mean what you say” and maybe I’ve lied to "him" but my feelings for him only come out in truths to big they crack the air wide open. Knowing someone … when does that happen?

OH and did I mention that I was a total bitch to Mad today over the phone? Yeah…well I suck. I’m so stupid. I just flipped when I heard, “well she’ll probably do something nice like do the dishes for me.” Fuck that! “DOUBLE FUCK THAT!” She should do that every single day damn it!

Some people have things they don’t want. Or want things they can’t have. Few people are content. I just wanted to not have to want and just spend more time content “with” someone who wanted that too. I thought he did, I pursued it, he backed up feeling hurt. We just keep doing it all wrong. We're both so damned scared from the A.B.C.D.E.'s that came before "he" and "I".

And I just wish Mad was content. It angers me that someone who is so much is given so little. Feels so in the negative. And I deleted too… FUCK!

I briefly told "him" about how when I was 15 I had no job and I loved my boyfriend and couldn't let his birthday go by without getting him a gift. So....I did the only thing I could think of. I stopped eating my lunches at school for 3 months and saved my 75 cents every day until I could buy him a kick ass set of Sony headphones. He loved them....still had them when I was 20 watching him wash his car...walkman on the hot sidewalk...his hands busy washing his black GTU Beretta....I just know that I loved him and I harbored my quarters and starved to give. That sums up how I love. "I starve to give." When I told "him" this story he said, "really? *pause* wow." -PoeticaL


you really will find an awesome song right here
http://box19.org/~lush/mpthrees/
2:29 a.m. ::
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