cluttering the net since 2001

1 a.m. is not my friend

Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004
In the morning I am breakfast happy even though I never eat. I am a brand new person and I am full of joy and goodness about what my day is about to bring. At 11 a.m. when I depart my first job I am all sunshine and smiles and the breeze in my hair as I drive to grab some coffee is always a pleasant awakening to the day. It is in this half hour between jobs that I am gloriously happy. I arrive at this job and do the gist of my job duties within the first 2 hours Iím here and thenÖ.then the hours drag byÖand I have nothing but time to thinkÖ.by the time 1 a.m. arrives Iím miserable. Iíve mentally convinced myself that my life sucks, that I miss him more than I can withstand. I feel bad about not being with my son fulltime, I beat myself up and back and left and right about all the things Iíve messed up in my life and so at 1 a.m. I canít sleep I canít eat, I canít think I canít move. I canít do much of much but hate myself.

I should write in my diary every morning. Youíd think someone else stole the rights to it from me.

Stay tuned for tonightís 1 a.m. suicidal entry whereby I want to dieÖitís up and coming andÖ.will be fresh from the mental case oven.

1:45 p.m. ::
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