PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

3 a.m. sad moments

Tuesday, Jul. 02, 2002
Me: i know that you don't like me talking to other guys
Me: I do know that
Brad: i cant expect you not too
Me: but you don't like it
Brad: not particularly no
Me: why?
Brad: because if things don�t work out you have gone 5 steps backwards which voids out your hard work and effects to move ahead in life
Brad: efforts
Me: <---rolls her eyes
Brad: why
Me: because that was a bunch of shit
Brad: it wasn�t all shit


Does he buy this stuff himself? Or does he just want to?

Tim never called. I called Tim. Tim was pretty normal with me over the phone from work. Said he would call me tonight. He never did. I called him and he picked up the phone and hung up or something without saying anything. And then I call again (total loser that I am) and get his voice mail. I didn�t leave a message and I think that I just learned again that I can never trust another man again. I think he �I think I don�t even have to explain it.

I think Tim blew me off. I have major issues. Or Brad was right when he said �whoever your waiting for is mad at you.� Brad and his fucking psychic shit. Sometimes�he just� I don�t know about anything anymore.

Someone told me I lead with my heart. I need to stop doing that. Incidentally my modem is gone the way of history. I think it got fried from lightening but either way my phones are now working and my modem is not. I�m on my laptop right now. Did the big switchover but I dunno. I hate computers. Most of my heartache has happened in my life since I got one. Maybe I need to kill em all.

Back to Brad and his pyschic stuff. Tonight he was telling me what I had on. That my hair was pulled up and what I was doing. He knew. How the hell does a person know this stuff? Can someone explain it to me?

Brad: oh shit
Brad: its fucken me again(he was referring to his visions, he pyshic vision)
Me: what's wrong?
Brad: the look on your face
Brad: something was bothering you
Brad: just a little bit ago
Me: I'm ok Brad
Brad: first i thought you were happy then you weren�t
Brad: its me again
Brad: this is pretty hard on you isnt it
Me: what is?
Brad: give me a second
Brad: having the only form of brad being a monitor
Me: I'm pretty used to it.
Brad: so it didnt get to you tonite
Me: I didn't say that.
Brad: there a moment of sadness
Brad: it went fast i couldnt pick up on it
Brad: i think your trying to cover shit up again
Brad: right after i said something about the light being turned on
Me: i don't know what you want me to say
Brad: well i dont know either but theres something definitely bothering you
Brad: ok it went away again
Brad: i think its a mask of some kind
Brad: oh you gonna go ahead put your laptop down
Me: this is not always easy brad
Me: I didn't put it down
Brad: im sorry i didnt realize how hard it is for you until tonight
Brad: your going too
Me: no
Brad: yep
Brad: maybe its bathroom break
Brad: but your going too
Me: lol stop it
Brad: might as well do it now
Me: why?
Brad: now good time as any
Me: I need to go blow my nose
Brad: go p if you must
Brad: ewwww more info than i want to know
Brad: snot everywhere
Brad: Are you all stuffed up
Me: yeah that sorta happens when you cry
Brad: my next question was that what was making your eyes water
Brad: your supposed to say no its allergies
Me: sorry
Me: I�m not allowed to hide things from you
Me: you want every part of me but me
Brad: why dont we fuck this lets talk on the phone
Me: now?
The phone rang�


He never said much of much over the phone but I know he was trying to make sure I was ok. He kept saying �Why are you so quiet?? You�re never like this.

How do I answer him when I don�t even know? I love too much, too often and it never comes back to me. It�s like photographic flashes that never develop into photographs.

In other news, I bought a book today and am planning on concentrating my efforts into writing this week. It�s called A writers book of Days by Judy Reeves and it�s just brilliant. I can�t wait. Secondly, I am still having to get up early to take �Bucky� to daycamp because they have tons of stuff planned this week he doesn�t want to miss.

Lastly, husband was nice enough to help me get my laptop all hooked up on some freebie net service til we get a new modem in the desktop. Why did he have to go and cheat on me? Why did he have to do all the horrible things he did? I was happy�..somewhere back then. I was. And I so feel like this mass of confusion is entirely his fault. He fucked up our marriage and I can�t unfuck it. And it just keeps fucking me all up. And so�yeah�so now I�m just fucked�. up.

�There is a reason you met him, a reason he is still in your life, you may never know that reason.� �S

-PoeticaL

I'm going to go to bed not thinking about Brad, or about husband or about work or about the future or about anything else but I am thinking about Tim. Where'd you go Tim? Am I just paranoid? Call me and tell me I'm paranoid. I don't want to be sorry about you. Not now. Not ever.
3:03 a.m. ::
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