PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

3 a.m. sad moments

Tuesday, Jul. 02, 2002
Me: i know that you don't like me talking to other guys
Me: I do know that
Brad: i cant expect you not too
Me: but you don't like it
Brad: not particularly no
Me: why?
Brad: because if things don’t work out you have gone 5 steps backwards which voids out your hard work and effects to move ahead in life
Brad: efforts
Me: <---rolls her eyes
Brad: why
Me: because that was a bunch of shit
Brad: it wasn’t all shit


Does he buy this stuff himself? Or does he just want to?

Tim never called. I called Tim. Tim was pretty normal with me over the phone from work. Said he would call me tonight. He never did. I called him and he picked up the phone and hung up or something without saying anything. And then I call again (total loser that I am) and get his voice mail. I didn’t leave a message and I think that I just learned again that I can never trust another man again. I think he …I think I don’t even have to explain it.

I think Tim blew me off. I have major issues. Or Brad was right when he said “whoever your waiting for is mad at you.” Brad and his fucking psychic shit. Sometimes…he just… I don’t know about anything anymore.

Someone told me I lead with my heart. I need to stop doing that. Incidentally my modem is gone the way of history. I think it got fried from lightening but either way my phones are now working and my modem is not. I’m on my laptop right now. Did the big switchover but I dunno. I hate computers. Most of my heartache has happened in my life since I got one. Maybe I need to kill em all.

Back to Brad and his pyschic stuff. Tonight he was telling me what I had on. That my hair was pulled up and what I was doing. He knew. How the hell does a person know this stuff? Can someone explain it to me?

Brad: oh shit
Brad: its fucken me again(he was referring to his visions, he pyshic vision)
Me: what's wrong?
Brad: the look on your face
Brad: something was bothering you
Brad: just a little bit ago
Me: I'm ok Brad
Brad: first i thought you were happy then you weren’t
Brad: its me again
Brad: this is pretty hard on you isnt it
Me: what is?
Brad: give me a second
Brad: having the only form of brad being a monitor
Me: I'm pretty used to it.
Brad: so it didnt get to you tonite
Me: I didn't say that.
Brad: there a moment of sadness
Brad: it went fast i couldnt pick up on it
Brad: i think your trying to cover shit up again
Brad: right after i said something about the light being turned on
Me: i don't know what you want me to say
Brad: well i dont know either but theres something definitely bothering you
Brad: ok it went away again
Brad: i think its a mask of some kind
Brad: oh you gonna go ahead put your laptop down
Me: this is not always easy brad
Me: I didn't put it down
Brad: im sorry i didnt realize how hard it is for you until tonight
Brad: your going too
Me: no
Brad: yep
Brad: maybe its bathroom break
Brad: but your going too
Me: lol stop it
Brad: might as well do it now
Me: why?
Brad: now good time as any
Me: I need to go blow my nose
Brad: go p if you must
Brad: ewwww more info than i want to know
Brad: snot everywhere
Brad: Are you all stuffed up
Me: yeah that sorta happens when you cry
Brad: my next question was that what was making your eyes water
Brad: your supposed to say no its allergies
Me: sorry
Me: I’m not allowed to hide things from you
Me: you want every part of me but me
Brad: why dont we fuck this lets talk on the phone
Me: now?
The phone rang…


He never said much of much over the phone but I know he was trying to make sure I was ok. He kept saying “Why are you so quiet?? You’re never like this.

How do I answer him when I don’t even know? I love too much, too often and it never comes back to me. It’s like photographic flashes that never develop into photographs.

In other news, I bought a book today and am planning on concentrating my efforts into writing this week. It’s called A writers book of Days by Judy Reeves and it’s just brilliant. I can’t wait. Secondly, I am still having to get up early to take “Bucky” to daycamp because they have tons of stuff planned this week he doesn’t want to miss.

Lastly, husband was nice enough to help me get my laptop all hooked up on some freebie net service til we get a new modem in the desktop. Why did he have to go and cheat on me? Why did he have to do all the horrible things he did? I was happy…..somewhere back then. I was. And I so feel like this mass of confusion is entirely his fault. He fucked up our marriage and I can’t unfuck it. And it just keeps fucking me all up. And so…yeah…so now I’m just fucked…. up.

“There is a reason you met him, a reason he is still in your life, you may never know that reason.” –S

-PoeticaL

I'm going to go to bed not thinking about Brad, or about husband or about work or about the future or about anything else but I am thinking about Tim. Where'd you go Tim? Am I just paranoid? Call me and tell me I'm paranoid. I don't want to be sorry about you. Not now. Not ever.
3:03 a.m. ::
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