cluttering the net since 2001

5 minutes...5 years old....5 times a lifetime

Sunday, Jan. 25, 2004
I should be in bed gaining mucho rest for my new-o job. I'm not. I'm wondering where my black trouser socks are. I'm wondering why I always resort to wearing the same sorts of outfits on first day affairs. I'm thinking my notebooks I was saving to write in are now lost somewhere and I'll be out buying a new set of stuff for this new job/new desk.

I always think I'm not good enough to deserve the good things that happen. I'm trying to put that out of my mind tonight because this is something good that I worked for and only gained because I was honest about my thoughts, my feelings, and who I am. I look forward to tomorrow, but it's with a dry mouth, a lost notebook stash and a whirlwind of thoughts.

I remember my mother now...standing below the school bus door...taking a picture. I remember her red cold hands in the northern morning. I remember my legs feeling itchy underneath the thick tights. I didn't want to go, I wanted to run back to that big brown car with the massive backseat. I wanted to go pick up milk at the dairy, run errands like always before that day.

No matter how much I move forward, I always find that I don't think I'm ready. Or I don't think I can. Or I fear I will fail. Or I wonder if I'll succeed. I always do this to myself. I thought the same things before I collected money for a living. And when I left he asked me to stay because I had mastered it. I mastered it without any training or help or guidance. I did it because I look around me and learn from all that is available. I can do that again....I know I can.

So why, why all these jittery feelings now? Why? WHY?

Tonight I watched someone pushing a broom, it was a source of irritation because my own mother told me once I would do nothing but push a broom for a living. She was wrong...but I sure wish I could yank her broom comment out of my soul and burn it gone.

I need a notebook, a spritz of sweet pea cologne...a kiss behind my ear....I'll be ok. I'll take that little girl on her first day of school fear with me and bring her back tomorrow night a full grown woman with strength and glorious power. I will...I will.....

11:06 p.m. ::
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