PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

Dear You

Thursday, Jul. 11, 2002
Dear Mrs. Prophet,??

No..that’s not right…

Dear Mrs. Dark,??

Well that would confuse people here…

Dear Mrs. Bingo Lover,?? Mrs Lifetime Marathon Watcher???

That’s all I really know about the who of who you are..

Dear Mrs. “I’m jealous as fuck of” you,

Oh wait… that’s not nice…not nice at all…and not quite true…

Damn…well I want to write you a letter and I don’t know how to address you. How messed up is that?

So…

Dear YOU,

I don’t know you even though I’m writing you a letter. I feel that I should know more about you than I do, but maybe I couldn’t truly bear to know what you look like, nor would I know what to do with any knowledge like what if you like chocolate on rainy Sundays. Then I might be able to relate to you and that would be stranger than it has ever been in my mind.

I think about you a lot in a shaded kind of way. I am unknown to you and yet I know about your existence. Sometimes I wish you didn’t exist, other times when I hear in his voice that he can’t bear to lose you, then I am most grateful that you are in this world. You who gave him 3 wonderful children to love and adore. How can you be a bad thing?

It is always the people that have what we want that we envy the most or at the very least wonder about the most. You have something I’ve always wanted. Does this mean I want your man? No. I want a lot of the beautiful traits that he possesses. Traits that I’ve never found anywhere else. Traits that I have learned to cherish along the way. He’s patient, caring, sweet, smart, quietly strong… He’s a wonderful writer with a world of thoughts happening behind those skeptical eyes. I love these traits.

Sometimes I wonder if you see these traits. I know how easy it is to overlook that which you have for all that you do not have. I know how easy it is to let life’s problems shadow what is happening right in front of you.

Would I want to be “with” your man. Of course. Perhaps on a picnic with all the kids and spouses and lemonade and cookies. As a whole of his life and my life meeting and greeting on a summer day. Yes, then I would want to be “with” him. But never “without” you.

“With” him on a trip to a bookstore so we could traipse the isles and talk all about “have you read this?” “Hey check this one out”. Would I do that without your blessing? Never. I’ve done enough wrongful mistakes to last me a lifetime. The last person I’d ever make a mistake out of is him.

But that wasn’t the purpose of my letter. I have a deep seeded idea that you are an amazing person all by yourself. That he sees and has always seen something of complete beauty, otherwise he surely wouldn’t have married you and weathered all of the storms beside you.

Sometimes I just wish I was allowed to know you. That my knowing you wouldn’t ever lead to my losing him or his friendship. Sometimes I wish that the nagging thought that something about my friendship with him wasn’t right (because you are left in the dark by his choice not to share this information with you) would not be an issue. Sometimes I wish I could know you just so I could tell you how special he is and how lucky you are. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and send all my feelings about him straight to you so that you knew without a doubt that my feelings are not insidious or bad in any way.

You have someone very special in your life. Sometimes I am jealous of anyone with things of this nature, because they are the only things I have ever wanted. Sometimes I treat him that much better because I’m convinced you don’t know how to.

I have tried only to be his friend. To be a support system that he could rely on. Sometimes I wish you were those things. Not because I want to forfeit my role as a friend. But because I imagine that in his heart he truly wants these things from you. I know because the things he provides to me, his ear, his friendship, his eyes to read my poetry, they are things I wish for from my own spouse.

I wish I could tell you these things but even more so I wish beyond measure that he could. That he could tell you that he has a friend who’s helped him and wants to see him happy with you. I wish that everything in life wasn’t so complicated and confusing. I wish you could hand him birthday presents gift-wrapped in love. I wish you saw what I see, by even half. I envy you, and sometimes I think you don’t even know all that you have. I envy you because he loves you enough that he doesn’t want to hurt you by his friendship with me. Sometimes I hate you, but I am convinced that this is only because I can’t know you. Sometimes I wish there was a clear path… Other times I wish you would plant more of your own flowers so I can’t see it at all. Sometimes I think I would be completely lost without him and then I realize that he would be completely lost without you. Without you he wouldn't know what to do.

Sometimes I hate that feeling, sometimes I wish you did too.

Me
2:51 a.m. ::
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