Dear You
Thursday, Jul. 11, 2002
Dear Mrs. Prophet,??
No..that�s not right�
Dear Mrs. Dark,??
Well that would confuse people here�
Dear Mrs. Bingo Lover,?? Mrs Lifetime Marathon Watcher???
That�s all I really know about the who of who you are..
Dear Mrs. �I�m jealous as fuck of� you,
Oh wait� that�s not nice�not nice at all�and not quite true�
Damn�well I want to write you a letter and I don�t know how to address you. How messed up is that?
So�
Dear YOU,
I don�t know you even though I�m writing you a letter. I feel that I should know more about you than I do, but maybe I couldn�t truly bear to know what you look like, nor would I know what to do with any knowledge like what if you like chocolate on rainy Sundays. Then I might be able to relate to you and that would be stranger than it has ever been in my mind.
I think about you a lot in a shaded kind of way. I am unknown to you and yet I know about your existence. Sometimes I wish you didn�t exist, other times when I hear in his voice that he can�t bear to lose you, then I am most grateful that you are in this world. You who gave him 3 wonderful children to love and adore. How can you be a bad thing?
It is always the people that have what we want that we envy the most or at the very least wonder about the most. You have something I�ve always wanted. Does this mean I want your man? No. I want a lot of the beautiful traits that he possesses. Traits that I�ve never found anywhere else. Traits that I have learned to cherish along the way. He�s patient, caring, sweet, smart, quietly strong� He�s a wonderful writer with a world of thoughts happening behind those skeptical eyes. I love these traits.
Sometimes I wonder if you see these traits. I know how easy it is to overlook that which you have for all that you do not have. I know how easy it is to let life�s problems shadow what is happening right in front of you.
Would I want to be �with� your man. Of course. Perhaps on a picnic with all the kids and spouses and lemonade and cookies. As a whole of his life and my life meeting and greeting on a summer day. Yes, then I would want to be �with� him. But never �without� you.
�With� him on a trip to a bookstore so we could traipse the isles and talk all about �have you read this?� �Hey check this one out�. Would I do that without your blessing? Never. I�ve done enough wrongful mistakes to last me a lifetime. The last person I�d ever make a mistake out of is him.
But that wasn�t the purpose of my letter. I have a deep seeded idea that you are an amazing person all by yourself. That he sees and has always seen something of complete beauty, otherwise he surely wouldn�t have married you and weathered all of the storms beside you.
Sometimes I just wish I was allowed to know you. That my knowing you wouldn�t ever lead to my losing him or his friendship. Sometimes I wish that the nagging thought that something about my friendship with him wasn�t right (because you are left in the dark by his choice not to share this information with you) would not be an issue. Sometimes I wish I could know you just so I could tell you how special he is and how lucky you are. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and send all my feelings about him straight to you so that you knew without a doubt that my feelings are not insidious or bad in any way.
You have someone very special in your life. Sometimes I am jealous of anyone with things of this nature, because they are the only things I have ever wanted. Sometimes I treat him that much better because I�m convinced you don�t know how to.
I have tried only to be his friend. To be a support system that he could rely on. Sometimes I wish you were those things. Not because I want to forfeit my role as a friend. But because I imagine that in his heart he truly wants these things from you. I know because the things he provides to me, his ear, his friendship, his eyes to read my poetry, they are things I wish for from my own spouse.
I wish I could tell you these things but even more so I wish beyond measure that he could. That he could tell you that he has a friend who�s helped him and wants to see him happy with you. I wish that everything in life wasn�t so complicated and confusing. I wish you could hand him birthday presents gift-wrapped in love. I wish you saw what I see, by even half. I envy you, and sometimes I think you don�t even know all that you have. I envy you because he loves you enough that he doesn�t want to hurt you by his friendship with me. Sometimes I hate you, but I am convinced that this is only because I can�t know you. Sometimes I wish there was a clear path� Other times I wish you would plant more of your own flowers so I can�t see it at all. Sometimes I think I would be completely lost without him and then I realize that he would be completely lost without you. Without you he wouldn't know what to do.
Sometimes I hate that feeling, sometimes I wish you did too.
Me
