cluttering the net since 2001

I am happy

Monday, Nov. 21, 2005
It’s 1 a.m. and I’ve had a busy weekend of final planning and doing for the wedding. I’ve managed to write a paper for college, spend time with my soon to be teenage son, complete a ton of chores, take pictures, read books, prepare for my first book club meeting and I stopped in the last hour to ponder all that has happened in the last few years…and I have to say…

I’m happy. There are things I have yet to do in life, goals that I’ll continue to work on, but last night Rick and I went out and visited with both of his brothers and some new people we had not met before. I found myself going into the kitchen to make a plate of food for him and the moment was perfectly right. He makes me happy…knowing I can look over at him and he’s all that love means to me is a pleasant and never ending emotion. I have all that I need, all that I’ve wanted for so very long. I could write a long list of things that would be nice….

But for the first time all that I have is all that I need and there are no gaping holes in my soul…..I feel so complete and it all feels so tangible and real and good.

I can gaze at him sleeping and feel blessed….I can gaze longer and have no trepidation or fear and more so I can look straight at him, straight through him and see only love. I can evaluate my whole life and feel right with it...despite and because of all that it has become.

So much has changed….so much of who I am is all rearranged, so much felt fragmented…the old life…the new life…..they seemed to end and begin abruptly and now there is no line…no division…just melding and mending and so much that once hurt me and bothered me is simply gone. Gone… There is really no true pain within like there once was so much of.

Earlier today we went to check out the tuxedo’s and I nearly cried when he tried on his tux….I had this urge to tell him….tell him everything I felt….and yet it was like riding a carousel…so beautiful and so perfect and so hard to ever put into words that would make any sense. I just wanted to hug him and thank him…..for giving me back that girl that looked at stars and believed in fairy tales and forever after……for letting me be who I’ve always wanted to be…myself. I am in love with someone I love being friends with.
1:02 a.m. ::
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