PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

I am not afraid...

Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2002
Ok I foolishly spent 2 hours signing “him” up for every PMS newsletter available in the Internet world. lol Ok so it was a waste of my time but it makes me laugh… Poor guy will have to delete delete delete….delete….you get the point. Maybe all he really needs is a free Midol sample.

This morning after my alarm went off I was listening to this crappy radio station. The dj…Bubba is a pig and I don’t listen to him…but that’s what husband has on his alarm…so…. Well I was listening and a girl called up and told a story about meeting the perfect man from South Africa online! He moved here to be with her. Then he changed. The day he got here he was different than what she thought him to be online. She said that online he was a great guy. But she married this guy…had a child to him and today was the day that she was leaving him. And I happened to hear this story this morning on the radio. She was so afraid of this guy that she asked for voice protection while telling her story. I think I needed to hear that story. He was nice online and turned? What if a guy is already showing signs of issues online? Must be a jerk to prick transformation. I can live without witnessing that in my lifetime. I’ve had enough fucked up stuff happening to me this past few years.

Last night I bought myself some more walking exercise tapes by Leslie Sansone. I am so proud of myself for exercising every day, especially on days when I want to do nothing more than crawl into bed and go to sleep. Something I really dig about her is the fact that she’s not about “hey lets shake our fat Asses and become pretty.” She’s so down to earth and it’s effective and fad-free. And it’s working! I’m losing weight. I’ve cut out all carbs, sugar, caffeine and relatively anything that’s bad for you. I am on the Dr. Atkin’s diet but I do eat fruit. He’s not big on fruit. I think that’s fucked up and I still eat fruit. If the only sugars that pass my lips are nature made….then I’m eating them.

Last night I also went out to dinner and I did well. I found myself staring at the Recess Peanut Butter Cup pie that was on my placemat. Those fuckers know how to advertise at Bob Evans I tell ya! I had the fruit plate and a bowl of vegetable soup. Then I went to Pier 1 and bought a wrought iron candle holder and two candles. I love to decorate the house…thought maybe that would cheer me up. Oddly enough when I got home husband was cleaning out the nightmare of a dining room. I feel so much better not looking at that mess. And he dug out my posters I bought 2 months ago. Tonight we’re gonna hang em.

Sometimes I don’t know what the fuck I want…. I wanted him to never have done the shit that he did to me. That’s what I wanted…. I can’t have that. I can never have what I want.

Oh geez…look at this email I just got..

Collect your FREE Sample of Reese’s Candy! Congratulations! You’ve been chosen to receive a FREE Sample of Reece’s Candy. Simply Click Here to claim it.

Fuckers! I don’t want your stinking candy!

Part of my email reply to Jess this morning…

I still believe that life is what you make of it. I am not going to lose sleep over some online guy with a self centered son of a bitch attitude. I have had far worse happen to me. He’s the one missing out. He’s the one that couldn’t see me for the wonderful person that I am.

I am changing and it’s for the better. And while I admit that he and I will surely have more exchanges because there is some sort of connection that is so hard for me to deny….my thoughts of “being” with him are over. It will never happen. I am going to now concentrate on me… I want to go to school, get an apartment, get my son situated in a “new” life of some sort. And then…..and only then I will be free for love.

“Him” is too involved in procuring money and success to be there for anyone. He’s selfish…selfish…selfish and it’s the ugliest quality I’ve seen in a man outside of the liar that my husband is….in a long time. I don’t know which is worse. A liar or a selfish bastard. They both suck.


Live and Learn….

But I will always love him. I will always see the good that I know he contains. I just can’t…. But it still hurts. It still sucks. It’s still not what I wanted it to be. He was so different for so long and now he’s back to this same stuff, and I can’t keep overlooking it wanting to believe in that dream. He told me once that as long as I held on then I always had something. Last night I stood outside listening to my new RemyZero CD and I opened my hand, tears pouring down my face…..standing under the stars with my hand held open….crying…all the while knowing he wouldn’t care.

Delboy just called me at work for a "stock-check". Odd... I miss him though...bitched at him for not keeping in touch... *sigh* story of my life!

-PoeticaL


i changed
you didn't want me too
i pray
for change
and now your gone
-RemyZero

We once had oceans left to fly,
now the trees and the river
have parted ways.
When it seems like the phone has died,
well then, so have I.
-RemyZero

“I’m not afraid”
tonight
we can no longer fight
we can never return to it once we begin
to see
thru the eyes that bore heaven
would you ever return to me
in the end
i'm not afraid of you at all
if you turned away, they will all fall

tonight
we can longer try
all the time that i cried
i want you again
no one's heard this
no voice resounds
no one's around
and i can't believe
what i have become
no one
it's over now

i'm not afraid of you at all
i'm not afraid tonight
all your stars glowing bright
i know i'll reach that light, again
again
again
-RemyZero

Finally a test that is actually accurate….LMFAO!


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