I finally heard what I wanted to hear and I still can't have it
Tuesday, Jun. 11, 2002
1. He asked (after my 2 years of proclaiming to want it) to come see me.
2. I said no.
All he knows is that I said no.
Then I thought, I remember when my hands were all bloody, I was distraught. I just walked into my apartment with visions of Mrs. Cleaver crawling out bedroom windows. I asked him just to listen to me.
He said �I found a girlfriend, I�m not your shrink, you need to move on.� He bailed�.at the worst time.
I moved on.
Then�
He and I had an understanding. We were friends. I stopped talking about my personal life. It was ok the way it was. It was a nice understanding.
Again he bailed from that place.
This theory, this viewpoint would be ok, if I wouldn�t have lied. I had the best friend I ever had. Someone who did the best he could to take on all my neuroses and I fucked it all up with lies.
This morning he surely feels rejected. He said last night. �Ok, you obviously don�t want me around. After everything we�ve been through��
I made some lame attempt this morning to swallow down some coffee and wipe this out of my thoughts. The only sane thing that�s happened since is �Bucky� and I singing to the radio on his way to summer day camp at the rec park.
Then, get this, I went blubbering to husband about it all�.told him more than I ever intended to say. And he said�
If you need to talk some more call me when you get to work�.
I can�t believe I tried to confide in the person that instrumented all of this. He was the reason I ever even turned to �him� to find my sanity again. Nice thought��right now I just want to go away.
