PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

I finally heard what I wanted to hear and I still can't have it

Tuesday, Jun. 11, 2002
This morning I put myself in his shoes. I’m sure he feels like I turned my back on him. All he knows is the following.

1. He asked (after my 2 years of proclaiming to want it) to come see me.

2. I said no.

All he knows is that I said no.

Then I thought, I remember when my hands were all bloody, I was distraught. I just walked into my apartment with visions of Mrs. Cleaver crawling out bedroom windows. I asked him just to listen to me.
He said “I found a girlfriend, I’m not your shrink, you need to move on.” He bailed….at the worst time.
I moved on.
Then…
He and I had an understanding. We were friends. I stopped talking about my personal life. It was ok the way it was. It was a nice understanding.

Again he bailed from that place.

This theory, this viewpoint would be ok, if I wouldn’t have lied. I had the best friend I ever had. Someone who did the best he could to take on all my neuroses and I fucked it all up with lies.

This morning he surely feels rejected. He said last night. “Ok, you obviously don’t want me around. After everything we’ve been through…”

I made some lame attempt this morning to swallow down some coffee and wipe this out of my thoughts. The only sane thing that’s happened since is “Bucky” and I singing to the radio on his way to summer day camp at the rec park.

Then, get this, I went blubbering to husband about it all….told him more than I ever intended to say. And he said…

If you need to talk some more call me when you get to work….

I can’t believe I tried to confide in the person that instrumented all of this. He was the reason I ever even turned to “him” to find my sanity again. Nice thought……right now I just want to go away.
8:45 a.m. ::
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