cluttering the net since 2001

I'm ok

Thursday, Oct. 27, 2005
Am I the only person upon embarking on a huge life decision and change gets freaked out and needs constant affirmation? Am I??? The final weeks are approaching and running thru my fingers quickly. My mind runs away with my past fears and yet my heart beats to a beautiful tune and can’t wait to sing and soar across the beach.

Oh yah that paragraph probably made absolutely no sense.

Work has been stressful.

School has been stressful….what with that looming realization that I still need 6 math credits before a certain time for pre-reqs.

I’m stressing about a lot of things.

I’ve even begun to doubt that I am enough for Rick. Shouldn’t he have someone so much better than I? Yah….that’s just how psychotic I’ve gotten in the last few weeks. Yes that psychotic.

We keep asking each other if we’re both sure. We both say yes. Then he says, “you want to do this for me” And I think, ‘No you want to do this for me…I’m the one that proposed.”

How damned silly is all of this?

I love you Rick. Not like I love my son, that’s a Mommy love. Not like I love my doggie….that’s a doggie love. I love you like a girl loves a boy and can’t imagine them one day not being right there next to her. I don’t love you like a girl constantly trying to be loved in return but rather like a girl trying to find enough places in her heart to put all the love she receives.

That’s why I will marry you so very soon….so soon and yet….days and hours of worries away. I worry…..can I love you back the way you love me? Can I??? I got so used to not being loved….it’s still hard to simply accept that love, when it’s real..is not so hard. The years we have had…they’ve flown by like the wind thru the wings of the speediest bird. Soaring above the world……happy….

Yes I love you….my future husband. I do. More than the night that I asked you to be mine forever.

Tonight I uttered the words I promised myself I’d never utter again to another lover…. “Don’t leave me….don’t ever leave me.” Two words, solid and true…they came back in whispered hush… “I won’t.” Then a hug....

And I’m more.....and more than ok.

Yes you make me more than I ever was before you. More than I could be....if not for you beside me.
12:44 a.m. ::
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