cluttering the net since 2001

I'm simply not

Thursday, Apr. 11, 2002
I just read trace’s diary entry today. She asked me how I was getting over “him”. One time she mentioned that it might be easier for her to overcome “m” if she had someone else in her life. I have one word to say….

Wrong! Unfortunately, that thought is a nice one. But it is a wrong one.

She described wanting “m” to know about her death if it were to occur. I completely understand her feelings. I would want "him" to know. I don’t know why. I think because I feel he would want to know. About 2 weeks ago I was on this kick about asking people in my life if they could erase me from their lives without a trace would they do it? I asked “him” and he said “no”. I said “why not?” He said, “You’re better off for having known me aren’t you?” Typical of him. He bats my ball of a question back at me and always makes it about me providing the answer instead of him! But what could I say? In some ways I’m mangled beyond repair. In other ways I am more aware of who I am, what I want and where I want to go. I would have to lie if I said I wasn’t a better person because of him. I know that I am. But it’s hard to “feel” that way whenever I just plain miss him. Whenever I just want to sit down and log on to my computer and listen to him sing. Whenever I want to laugh with him about how bad some people sing. Whenever I just want to say, “hey I’m on the last “walk away” tape..yeah for me!” And know that he’ll be proud of me.

Mostly I just miss him. He and I were something that I have never been with anyone else before him. We were mentally so very “close”. He knows me inside and out despite all my lies. My lies made with hopelessness.

I know he knows me because when I speak he finishes my thoughts. When I tried to tell him I was going back to husband because I loved him he flat out said, “You love the memory of him.” The way he does that and has always done that rips holes in my boats sails and leaves me motionless. Unable to take the next breath or believe that I should before like then I quietly said, “yes I know.”

Lately I have tried to crawl into bed and curl up against my husband and let go of all those thoughts of “him” and all those memories of webpages with roses he made for me, writing classes and presents from the heart personally for someone…. I try to breath in the smell of my husband and erase the memories of his cologne on pages he mailed me. I hear phones ring and try to be happy no matter who it is, instead of hollow when I never hear his voice. I try…I try to replace… Replace, renew…rewrite… And all I want is to pick up that dogeared book about “him”. About love…about goodness and smiles and laughter and “guess what I did today’s!” knowing someone is happy to hear from you.

I try
But I can’t
Sometimes I do
But I have found
That I don’t
And then I know
With all certainty
That when you find love
Love flies
Even when the sky
Is full of tears
There will always be
A memory
That paints itself into
A smile so clear
A feeling that makes the pain
As beautifully
Nurturing as rain

And so…I know I’ll never overcome
I’ll never forget
I’ll always remember
Always wonder things with regret
But when I die I hope he would want to know
He might say a prayer
Or just stop midstream in his life
And remember me

And smile

Isn’t that what love is?

Ya know….Trace, I don’t know “m” and I don’t have to know “m” to know what you’re feeling. It’s like a heroin addict craving the devil swimming through his veins. It’s watching the sun in the morning and the moon at night and finding comfort in the fact that it’s the same sun and the same moon he sees and so you’ll always have something in common even if you don’t know what’s going on in his life anymore. It’s being grateful for the tears because just maybe they’ll make you feel again. It’s griping violently to every happy memory like it’s the last food you will ever eat. It’s constantly praying for his happiness so that you’re sadness is paying the debt on something worthwhile.

Fuck, now I’m crying….nothing helps….nothing makes it go away…not writing..and not…


this song reminds me…because sometimes I have to really try to breath…

"I Breathe In, I Breathe Out"

Lately I've been runnin'
Into our old friends
And somewhere in the small talk
Someone always asks where you've been
So I tell them what you told me
And they can't believe we're through
They ask me what I'm doin' now
And in case you're wonderin' too

I breathe in I breathe out
Put one foot in front of the other
Take one day at a time
'Til you find
I'm that someone you can't live without
Until then
I breathe in and breathe out

I've got every reason
To find someone new
Cause you swore up and down to me
That I've seen the last of you
But the way that you loved me
Girl, left me hopin' and holdin' on
So until this world stops turning round
And my heart believes you're gone

I breathe in I breathe out
Put one foot in front of the other
Take one day at a time
'Til you find
I'm that someone you can't live without
Until then
I breathe in and breathe out

We were meant to be
Girl, there's no doubt
And if it takes the rest of my life
For you to figure it out.

-Chris Cagle
9:37 a.m. ::
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