PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

I'm so gone....I'll never find myself again

Sunday, Aug. 04, 2002
ok fair warning before you read further…don’t get all “oh that’s disgusting” on me cause I just don’t care if you think that stuff. I am very sexually oriented and rarely talk about it and I finally found someone that is that way too and I want to talk about it. I want to explore that part of me that has gone too long largely overlooked. If ya don’t want to know about it…..quit reading. I found someone that thinks like I do about everything and it’s the biggest turn on I could just scream. And he never says “what do you have on?” or “touch it for me” Lameness. He skips the lame.

But…maybe I’m just a fool…a fool ….a total fool….god help me every time I start to care about someone there’s a huge….huge obstacle to overcome.

Last night t and I spoke and the third sentence he said to me….in the sweetest little shy voice… “I love you Kristy.” Oh man….I started to cry. Do I really want someone to love me from 7,000 miles away. I must be crazy. Didn’t I do this before? Argh…….just flat out argh….I’m so flipping stupid.


me: if I can't make you happy then I'm not worth your time
t: awww.
t: I think you are worth my time...
t: because you make me happy

~~

me: I think my biggest fantasies revolve around what life would be like if I had someone special in my life
t: ;-)
t: <---feeling all warm inside
me: i think if I had that....i've always thought that if i had that everything else would just be so easy to contend with
t: ;-)
t: it makes it easier
me: I think so
me: i think you can deal with anything if you have that one really good thing happening somewhere
t: yep..

~~

t: do you know what I have always wanted to do?
me: what?
t: Invite some friends over for dinner...
t: then about an hour before they arrive...
me: do it on the table
t: make wild passionate monkey sex on the dinning room table
me: woohooooooo you and I are so right on the same page
t: and then enjoy the meal..
t: with that though
t: isn’t that just so...
t: mmmmmmm
me: yes
me: but here's the thing...
me: I would
me: I would do it
me: then sit there feeling your seed seeping back out of me ...eating dinner....with a huge smile on my face....sneaking glances at you
t: hmmm
t: my god...you are incredible
me: giggling when someone says "the food is so great"
t: ;-)
me: know something
t: what?
me: ya know how lots of people get up after they have sex and run to take a shower
me: like they feel all dirty or something
t: nope
t: nope
t: not me
me: not me either
me: i like that feeling
t: I would rather you ride me all night...
t: then go to work with your smell all over me
me: mmmmmmmm yeah
me: see...you're the perfect one
me: not me
t: nope...
t: just an average guy is all
me: i mean ever have someone do oral on ya then go brush their teeth?
me: its like ...don't bother doin it
t: exactly...
t: and here something about me...
t: when I am doing it to you orally...
t: I like to get it all over my face....it is just such a trun on for me
me: mmmmmmm baby
t: so how did we end up in the gutter again?
me: because....I want you
t: not that I mind it
me: plain and simple
t: and I want you more

So, I’m a freak cause I think that’s the kewlest thing I ever was told about? I think it’s sexy that someone is that sexual and talks to me about it! Skip the gross comments, you know you’re looking at your table right now wanting to uh….ya know… get your dinner on!

~~

me: you do realize I don't want one night with you...
me: I want them all
t: :-)
me: do you know that?
me: is that ok that I want that?
t: yes it is ok
t: you do realize that I could leave for a year at a time
me: yes I know
me: you're gone right now silly
me: how could I not know?
t: :-)
me: but this is how I see it
me: you're gone......in the physical sense
me: but you're right here
me: I think it would be hard to meet you and then two weeks later have you leave for a year
me: that might be pretty dang hard to do
t: ;-(
t: it is
t: I just have to make sure you never forget me is all
me: true....
t: I might have to give that lesson...
me: but that would be tough to do
me: don't you think
t: over and over and over again
me: i mean somewhere along the way we'd have to have some time to get to really know each other
t: how so?
me: well...I just mean....I can't possibly ever truly be with you if I can't ever truly be with you
t: <---confused
me: like if you came back from Afghanistan and then we met and two weeks later your gone somewhere else for a year....and yet we never really were together very long...it would be hard to call that a relationship
t: ok ...makes sense
me: but I mean if we were really together in the same place living together for like 6 months or something and then you had to go somewhere even if it was for 2 years....then you're mine and I know you're coming back to me...then that's different
me: t?
t: ;-)
me: do you understand me?
t: yes
t: I understand


~~

and then after I freak out...feeling stupid for feeling things for him....after I told him to blow me off when I act stupid...this is how he dealt with it....

me: I realize I don't want an internet boyfriend
me: you're always gonna be an internet thing
t: ok
me: grrrrrrrr
me: as in double grrr
t: NEXT
me: how can you just say ok?
t: watch....
t: o
t: k
t: ,,
t: O
t: K
t: ,,
me: t?
t: Kristy?
me: um..
t: I love you more
me: go work
t: ok you sleep
t: g'night my Princess
t: TO BE CONTINUED......
12:34 a.m. ::
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