I'm sorry Rick...
Thursday, May. 01, 2003
Ok I think I can finally write about this........so here goes.I was called into the office at work a few days ago and told that they can no longer afford to keep my position at my current rate of pay and to make it short and sweet it basically came down to my being told that I could stay on and go into sales. I will retain my same rate of pay for a period of 90 days. After 90 days I will drop down quite a bit. I am overly anxious about this because finances are already tight. I have bills I can't pay and this does not even begin to address the need for an attorney or the fact that I'm waiting to go to court over that fight I had with ex.
I am a highly emotional person that is struggling to overcome clinical problems that as of now are not diagnosed. There's a possibility that I'm clinically depressed, a possibility that I have that stress syndrome that affects people after seeing war. There's the possibility that I am bi-polar, although I personally discount this because I'm never manically happy. I am taking Zololft and it's working better than the nothing I was doing about it all before but I have no health insurance and therefore have to pay for the visits myself. So far ex has been providing that, I think out of guilt, but there's no guarantee from month to month that he'll fork over the money. I don't see my son nearly as much as I want to and I hate to admit that the biggest reason is a financial one. That added to the constant stress, my health problems and now WHAM a problem at my employer where I have worked for over 2 years now. The longest I've worked at any one place since I came to Florida 5 years ago.
On top of all of this I have been considering going to NC to work for Brad because the job offer is excellent. But with charges up in the air, my son elsewhere in Florida, and my bills being the predominately high concern, I am confused at best and think I want to go to NC just because it feels like a way to "escape" the pain and frustration. I am simply trying to sort out my life, find complete happiness in all or most areas of my life, I want to move on and build something new. I want that something new to be with Rick. He's fearful that I'm going to up and pack my Snoopy suitcase and split to NC. That's not going to happen. I am merely stressed out, confused, lacking a support system and every time I try to write it out and get it off my chest, as in my guestbook entry on his diary.....he doesn't get the way I speak in poetic terms and is angry with me.
I left the following messages recently in my diary that he doesn't understand. I went to talk to him after I got out of work today and our conversation was brief but he's angry with me, not in a way where he is screaming or ugly, just he's confused and scared about everything. entry on Wednesday, Apr. 30, 2003: i give up 1:12 p.m.
I give up. All I want to do is talk to Rick and I can't. Either busy, unanswered or gone. Argh. Everything sucks and I can't even talk about it and and and.....fuck I just want to cry.
I made this entry yesterday because I was simply trying to get ahold of him during my lunchbreak because I got this news about my job the previous day. I did just want to cry. The frustration levels I am experiencing are truly getting to me. Making me insanely needy and I know he wasn't ignoring me, I just want him to hold me and be there for me and let me know I'll be ok. Wednesday, Apr. 30, 2003: time enough 9:57 p.m. I keep looking at the clock and realizing that the later it gets the less I know what to say to make things work out sooner rather than too late.
I was sitting in the apartment waiting for him to come home and trying to get it all straight in my head to tell him how I feel. I don't want to let things go and then work things out too late. The later it got the more I just wanted him to come home and hold me and have things be ok between us.
I'm a mistake walking without answers to questions I forgot to solve before they were asked.
I feel like everything I touch right now falls apart. My truck battery went dead recently, had to replace it. Now I'm dealing with the job issues, money issues and on top of it all my boyfriends thinking I don't care about him because I'm whacked out in the head from stress. When I write freeform and poetically it just comes out all wonky and sometimes it doesn't make a clearcut straight forward sense. I'm just releasing all the shit in my worries the best way I know how.
You're amazing in my world, but you don't even know from that right side of the moon because my heartache shade is too strong to let you see my shine.
I was simply stating the following. I think Rick is amazing, in my eyes he's everything good. But its like he can't see that's how I ever feel because I'm so destroyed by recent events in my life and that destruction and heartbreak over my son and losing that sense of family is preventing him from seeing all the good and happy things about the person that I am. It's like I'm walking in the rain and I wish I could take Rick by the hand and that we could just be in the sunshine and not have all of these other outside issues to deal with.
My confusion haunts me, my dissapointments are too heavy to carry alone. Come help me..please come help me....please hurry home.
I'm confused because I don't know what to do to make things work out the way I want them too. Here's what I want. I want Rick. I want my son. I want the three of us together. I want to be financially stable and be able to not only pay my bills comfortably but be able to perhaps go to college, provide somehow for my son and be happy. Simple things...but it's like as of late these simple things are getting difficult for me to ever do. Oh....and I want a fucking divorce too. I was saying "come help me...please come help me...please hurry home." Because I was missing Rick and honestly the only thing that helps me right now is when he holds me, makes me laugh, just smiles with me, kisses me and loves me. I miss that. This week has been rough. I just wanted him to come help me carry the burdens of stress and worry that I feel so much right now. Just hold me Rick...just hold me and love me no matter how much I cry or suffer throgh this rough point in my life. That's all I was saying. I wanted you with me....close to me.
And in his guestbook......last night I wrote.... 10:56 pm - Wednesday,April 30, 2003 I need to cry I need you to just let me cry I need to ruin your shirt with my tears I need to pull my face right off and replace it with a happy lie if only for a moment so I can get from here to there to the there you are again the you that i was before this the you that you were before I before I needed you to be the strong one while I cry I love you I just don't know how to jump over this nightmare to get inside our dreams It was a poem.
I need to cry (I need to get out all of the pain)
I need you to to just let me cry (I need to be able to cry and know that its ok to try to let go of the pain)
I need to ruin your shirt with my tears ( I need to cry hard)
I need to pull my face right off
and replace it with a happy lie (I need to let go of my sadness all over my face and move forward, lie to myself that I'm ok even though I'm really not...just until I really am ok....imagine if I could just lie and believe myself...)
if only for a moment (if I could just not feel so much anxiety, worry and stress for awhile...I could make it through it all easier)
so I can get from here to there(I want to move from this sadness and heartache and worry to where Rick is....happy and content and living in the present instead of fearing all the painful things that have happened in my past anymore)
to the there you are again
the you that I was before this ( I want Rick to not have to worry about me, I don't want to make him unhappy because of my own unhappiness)
the you that you were before I
before I needed you to be the strong one ( I feel like I lean on Rick far too much.....I worry that I'm causing him pain because of my own issues)
while I cry (I wish he didn't have to see me go through all of this...I wish he could just see me in the future ...when I'm happy...happy go lucky.)
I love you
I just don't know how to
jump over this nightmare
to get inside our dreams (This simply was saying I love Rick, I just can't seem to put things in the past and move on as fast and easily as I want to... for his sake and for mine. I'm afraid all of my pain is going to destroy our love we have together.)
I don't think it's bad that I'm asking Rick to hold me. I think my "poetical" words are hurting me more than they're helping me right now and I am contemplating what the point of having a diary is if it just hurts everyone around me.
I have never explained any of my poetry so indepth. I have always just shrugged and called it creative freedom. I am doing this because I do love you Rick. I want the world to know I love you and I want you with me no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I want us to have a life together and I won't leave without you. I can't. Because like you said last night....it's too late to protect my heart from falling. I'm already in love with you. I am trying to reach out to you, close this gap...tell you that I need your help. I need you to hang onto me tight and love me as hard as you can so I can make it across these rough waters I'm drowning in. I need you more than you ever seem to know.
