PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

Reconciliation

Sunday, Mar. 24, 2002
All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved. To know that I was loved. To have one defining moment with someone that was the clarity that would shoot itself through every cloud of fog to the very core of me. And in that moment I would forever know what love was.

Yes I gave birth to a child. That was a defining moment. I’ve never had a moment before or since like that so don’t drop a bunch of shit for nothing entries on my book telling me that’s love. I know all about motherly love. More than most people who preach about it to me. I’m not talking about motherly love.

A week ago….I saw the worst of what love or the lack of knowing it’s there will do to people. A half naked middle-aged woman crawling through a too small window is a clear sight to see. A defining moment of dementia that I’ll hopefully one day forget.

Yesterday…I had another moment. A moment that will be very hard to define or explain to anyone. But like a fool I am going to try….

My husband leased a house for him and Bucky to live in. A house that we can choose to lease to own if we wish. We are selling our house because of the financial nightmare that it became…. I agreed to help him move into the house. Afterall…Bucky is going to live there and I was in essence helping my son.

The first trip over to the house for me was Friday night. I had never seen the house itself. It’s huge, wide open. Expansive. It’s a two bedroom two bath, sunroom, spacious living room, a dining area, a tile-floor kitchen, a flat and clean backyard. Carpeting is new and clean throughout. And it’s pretty much the house that we were looking to buy 4 years ago but couldn’t find. It’s quite nice. There was nothing moved into the house so it was completely empty when I saw it. Completely empty except for…

There’s a shelving area between the kitchen and dining room. Husband had dug out and displayed my deceased fathers beer stein collection on those shelves. I haven’t seen them since I had to pack them up almost 2 years ago in PA. I remember at the time saying, “there’ll never be room for these things.” I saw them…..the steins…lined up like little soilders and in that moment…I knew that he knows me inside and out like no one else does or can. He knew the moment that I saw them…because something caught in my throat and tears rolled down my face and all I could muster was “ya know…oh god..I still miss him so much”. And I started to cry. Husband answered, “yes I know.” He moved those beer steins first for a reason. Telling me…”they belong there ….I told you there would be a place someday…. I got my one defining moment when I knew that I was truly loved. When he leaned down and kissed my crying eyes and said…they belong there, we belong here”….right then “Bucky” came running in from the sunroom saying “ewwwwwwwww you guys arrrrrrre smooooochinggggggggg!!!!!!!!!”

And so…..I am moving out of my apartment and into said house with my husband and my son this week. I am never allowing another person to come between us. And I don’t need anyone to tell me anything. Ask me “How do you know he won’t cheat on you again?” I know because I know what caused it to happen wasn’t entirely about him. It was about there being an absence of me. I no longer have a vacancy sign flashing over my head. This is how I know.

Just to update…..David never called me after the night at the bookstore where he called me after we parted. I never returned his phone call. The gas station guy has disappeared. I have deleted pal from my computer. I spoke one last time to “him” last night. He and Linda were moving into his trailer together and I wished him luck. I hope she makes him love her so much that he can’t breath and then I hope she leaves him and he can no longer breath. Mean…yes. Truthful of me….again…yes. He still believes he did nothing to lead me on. He swears he didn’t tell me, “if you were free I could pursue you…make yourself free.” I made myself free. Free to lose everything I had in hopes of what I might gain. Rather like that Aesop’s Fable about the dogs and the grapes.

Mrs. Cleaver has left Mr. Cleaver. She is not taking Stevie, my son’s former best friend because as she stated to her husband, “I don’t want to take care of him, I want to party and do whatever I want and have fun…” Mr. Cleaver and I were sitting at his house talking on Saturday afternoon. I feel for Mr. Cleaver. He has no clue why she does this to him. He claims he does everything for her and I tend to believe him. While sitting there Mrs. Cleaver came home. She looked at me and said….”I didn’t expect to find you in my house.” to which I quickly replied, ”I never expected to find you in my bed!!!!" She quickly went out the backdoor of her house to the backyard and I stood up and told Mr. Cleaver, “It’s been nice talking with you, if you need anything feel free to call me….but it appears to me that if I don’t leave now I might have to commit murder.” Mr. Cleaver then told me with all seriousness in his voice, “She’s afraid of you…you know?” I said, “She should be!”

Two hours later she tried to call my husbands cell phone and I answered his phone when we both saw who was trying to call on his display and I said, “hello?” She then said, “I need to talk to “his name” please?” I said, “I don’t think so.” She said, “what a shame I suppose he’ll have to move without a truck this time.” When I moved she was oh so nice enough to go rent a truck for me to use…. Whatever! He’s getting a truck from work for the next week. I’ll be laughing my ass off when a nice brand new “(*&@ Lumber” truck is sitting in the driveway of the house. Fuck her!

Incidentally I spent the weekend at the old house with him and “Bucky” and she was quite bothered by that also! Bitch!

It is very apparent to me that she’s quite angry with me for deciding that I do in fact love my husband and want to work things out with him and have come back to claim what she thought was her prize. I have not made it easy for him to be forgiven. There were things he had to abide by and he’s willing to…so we’re doing our own thing.

I will only say that I have cheated on him in the past, he has never walked in but he has found out in other ways, and he’s been in very similar shoes as the ones I’m wearing these days. Perhaps now we understand each other……we both know that we love each other. He told me something last night at 3 a.m. while we were still nuzzling and holding hands and saying how crazy the last 3 years have been….he said, “I have always known that when we are "good together" it’s like a beautiful song that you never want to hear end. When we are "bad together"….it’s like closing your eyes down around razor blades….

He said that….and I never knew how poetical he could be and I kissed him and made love to him again…

-PoeticaL


Every Time I Think Of You

Every time I think of you
It always turns out good
Every time I've held you
I thought you understood
People say a love like ours
Will surely pass
But I know a love like ours
Will last and last
And baby I was wrong
Not knowing how
our love should go
(How our love)
(How our love should go)
But then I wasn't wrong
In knowing how our love would grow
(How our love)
(How our love would grow)
And every time I think of you
Every time
Every time I think of you
Every single time
It always turns out good
Seasons come and seasons go
But our love will never die
Let me hold you darling
So you won't cry
Cause people say that our love affair
Will never last
But we know a love like ours
Will never pass
And baby I was wrong
Not knowing how our love should go
(How our love)
(How our love should go)
But then I wasn't wrong
In knowing how our love would grow
(How our love)
(How our love would grow)
And every time I think of you
Every time
Every time I think of you
Every single time
It always turns out good
People say a love like ours
Will surely pass
But I know a love like ours
Will last and last
And baby I was wrong
Not knowing how our love should go
(How our love)
(How our love should go)
But I wasn't wrong
In knowing how our love would grow
(How our love)
(How our love would grow)
Every time I think of you
Every time I think of you
Every time I think of you
It always turns out good
Every time I think of you
Every time I think of you
Every time I think of you
Every time
Every time I think of you
Every time I think of you (every time)
Every time I think of you
Every time I think of you
Every time I think of you (every time)
Every time I think of you
Every time I think of you
Every time I think of you (every time)
Every time I think of you

-The Babys
9:31 p.m. ::
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