cluttering the net since 2001

this same damn issue....i wish it would abandon me

Saturday, Jun. 05, 2004

My b.f. is at a wedding in Illinois right now wearing a tux, probably drink in hand, jacket dismissed on a folding chair covered in white fanciness, forgetting everything.Of course I am merely guessing at this because I have no real idea because he hasnít bothered to call back last night or at all today.This is seriously starting to piss me off and make me think of doing things I shouldnít do.


Iím sitting on our black leather couch Oprah magazine at my side, our pet dog sleeping on the quilt bunched up on the floor feet up on the coffee table television tuned in on Elimidate ignoring phone calls from Cathy because Iím depressed and tired and unable to converse and entertain anyone else.


Iím losing my mind without him here and itís doubly horrific because he hasnít called.I read three chapters of The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection: A Workshop in Abandoment Recovery by Susan Anderson.††


After reading that much of that book I am thoroughly convinced that my issue right now is not what heís doing or not doing but rather my abandonment issues are showing their ugly faces.I could sit and give a list of thousands of people I feel have done me wrong but itís more my own issues and my choosing to see things in that light.I need to get myself a copy of that book and forget about where b.f. is and what might be going on because I do trust him and know he loves me and if he could he would call me but he doesnít have a cellphone there and soÖ.yah I guess even though I watched Urban Cowboy last night and cried at all the sad parts (I never knew there were sad parts in that hokey movie until 4 a.m. this morning) I canít worry about it all because itíll be just fine next Wednesday.Just fine.




The following was taken from a website I found and a therapist/author I respect.I think it is key to who I am and where I currently amÖ. emotionally.This is not due to my recent divorce half as much as it is by my mothers initial abandonment at an earlier age.



Did your lover leave you? Abandonment is a knife wound to the heart. It is highly vulnerable to infection and can leave scarring.


Anyone suffering the loss of a love is in a true emotional crisis. Abandonment has its own special kind of grief, as painful as grief over death, and just as enduring. It grips your life with powerful feelings. Left unresolved, this special grief can burrow deep within where it undermines self esteem and interferes in future relationships. It is only because people don't know how to handle the feelings that abandonment can have such a lasting effect.


Abandonment recovery guides you through the stages of this powerful psycho-biological process and shows you techniques for managing its pain. Empowered with the right tools, you can prevent self-injury, prevent damaging your self esteem. In the end you'll turn this painful experience into an opportunity for positive change.


Initially, being left, rejected, bereft of love - - creates a deeply personal wound. It threatens our sense of self worth and shatters our security. It consumes us in panic, longing, isolation, self-recrimination, and despair.


The severing of our love-relationship creates a heart-wound. Your body reacts as if your very life were being threatened, as if you had been actually stabbed in the heart. The threat of losing your primary attachment propels you into a state of neuro-biological emergency. Your heart pounds. Your stomach turns. You lose your appetite one minute and become ravenous the next. You oversleep or can't sleep. You're on edge, hyper-vigilant, and plagued with obsessive thoughts (about your lost love) and can't concentrate on anything else. You feel mortally wounded, that your life is over, that you'll never love again. These catastrophic thoughts, along with your urgent feelings of morbidity and doom, are evidence of surges of stress hormones coursing through your body and brain. You are in a state of constant of vulnerability.


As helpless and defeated as you may feel right now, this does not mean that your situation is hopeless, that you are weak or dependent, or that you will never love again. Feelings of hopelessness, panic, and desperation are normal to the first stage of the abandonment cycle. The five stages - - Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting spell S.W.I.R.L. As you SWIRL through the overlapping stages, the intense feelings prove to be temporary, in fact NECESSARY to your personal growth and recovery.




11:00 p.m. ::
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