cluttering the net since 2001

a day of depressing thoughts....

Tuesday, Apr. 16, 2002
I’m pretty much convinced that this is it. This is my life. This is what I created years and years ago and despite my trying to change it, I have only managed to walk away from it briefly. Long enough to realize that some things are things you can’t change.

I get up everyday and go to work. I sit there wondering what to do all day. I want to go to school, but considering my financial nightmare, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. Although on that issue, I am going to go and meet with a school and see what they tell me before I assume a “no”. I am trying to improve my life, not just accept that I can’t.

I know that I have always sold myself short.

Incidentally this morning in the shower (about a half hour ago..) I started to think about the fact that all the men that have ever come through my life have been educated and doing well for themselves. They have all been very responsible and had their head’s screwed on right. I have admired each and every one of them for their intellect and ability to talk with me in such a way that while its hard to explain in a few minutes….was quite deep. They have all been good looking with bright eyes. They have all had something going for them. All of them. Except for the one I married.

How sad that I just wrote that…. It’s like he has all of those things but doesn’t use them. Like a wire is crossed. Like something is amuck… I just can’t understand it.

I worry about what will come of me when I’m 50. We have no plan for our future…we have no plan for tomorrow let alone 20 years from now. Man….I’m depressing myself…so I suppose its time to drive to work and sit looking out the window wondering why….all the why’s that are making me sad today.

On the bright side hotmail just told me it’s my amazoniversary and I can buy something for 10% off. *sigh*

“Bucky” was just crying because he didn’t have any money for the book fair. He called his Dad on my cell phone and got yelled at by me for using my cell phone without asking….and then he was crying and amazingly a $10 bill fixed him all up. I wish everything in my life was as easy to solve.

7:35 a.m. ::
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