afterglow

t: can I ask you a personal question?
me: yup
t: do you prefer Kristy or Kris?
me: lol
me: see
me: its that
me: that
me: the way you are
me: in the middle of me being all freaked out you say something so different
me: i love that about you
t: is that bad?
me: no
me: its awesome
t: so which is it?
me: lol you can call me whatever comes natural to you
me: the only thing I hate is "krissy"
t: ewww
me: that reminds me of that chick from 3's company
t: lol
me: what do you wanna call me?
me: how about "pyscho"
me: lol
t: how bout babe?
t: or kris
t: or kristy
me: you call me what you want
me: you call me what comes out
t: ok
me: i just want you to want to call me
t: :-)

Ok this leads me to think about names. Do you like your name? I like my name. Kristy. It�s a nice name. I don�t have issue with it. My sister�s name is Tracy, also a nice name. My brother�s name is Eric, again a nice name. Of course this is just my opinion. But I think my Mom did pretty damn ok with the name thing. I thought about that when my son was born. Some of you know his name, and of course it�s not �Bucky�. That�s just his nickname. But his real name, I still love it. I never changed my mind about it. I hope he likes it someday the way I like my name.

Ok, so most people call me by my name. Kristy. Just Kristy. I get that at work too. Nothing else. I hate Krissy and always have. BraN calls me KriS and I really can�t even remember why. I suppose that�s just what came to him first. Mad calls me lots of stuff that I don�t want to give away. And it�s nice when someone has a pet name for you. Some secret little name that no one else quite knows about. Husband used to call me Kasey after my previous initials KC. Because I worked somewhere where I had to sign my initials on everything that I ever did. He hasn�t called me that in ages.

I�ve never had someone ask me what I preferred. It�s left me thinking about names�about how we end up calling people certain things. I don�t call him �t� and I�ve questioned in my own mind what to call him. Some names are like that. I never wondered what to call Dan or John or Joe kind of people. One syllable. It�s like that. I dunno. �t� has a 3 syllable name. Hmm�

t: ok let me leave you on this note
t: rememeber when you sent me a copy of your day?
me: yes
t: and one of your routines is the video
me: yes
t: and what was your comment?
me: i don't remember
t: something to the effect of I wish guy would love big hips or something right
me: yeah lol
t: I could look it up but not now..
me: ok...
t: let me put it the way..
t: I don't like those annorexic whatever..
t: they aren�t women
t: are you following me
me: yes
t: it matters what is on the inside..
t: and most of what I have seen in them is pretty ugly
me: i want you to know something
me: and I want you to never ever forget that I said this
t: what
me: no matter what I ever say again
me: i want to see you someday
me: i don't care if its a day and I never get to see you again
me: i want to know what happy feels like
t: :-)
t: ok
t: except when I drive down there i would hope that I could stay longer than a day

A boy that likes hips? A boy that understands women�s sizes and understood the change from size 24 to size 16? Hmm� Sometimes when I talk to �t� I think about all those fucked up issues I had with �him� over size and weight and appearance and rights and wrongs and I wonder if I didn�t go through all of that personal struggle about who and what I was through �him� just to realize what I need and want and what matters in life. It�s certainly not the size of your hips. And then I think if I ever had size 5 hips I sure as hell wouldn�t want to share that glory with �him� now would I?

Now does all of this mean that I talk to someone for 2 weeks and �he� doesn�t matter to me? No. �HE� will always be special to me. 3 � years and a huge giant friendship. It�s not a bad thing. It�s just that it�s not a relationship thing either. Hell the whole �t� thing is a friendship and nothing more. I learned a lot from the Tim experience. Sure I want to believe in love. But love will happen when it�s meant to. Right now I�m just hanging out enjoying the fact that I found someone I can really be me with.

I�ve told �t� things I�ve never told anyone. And I�ve figured out who I can trust and I�m grateful for those people. ty S! ty seahorse! And most of all thanks to the big guy up there for somehow sending the right people into my life when I needed them.

Yeah I have a lot a lot of stuff stuff on my mind today�. I�m in a really awesome mood. I went to bed last night at 8:30 p.m., woke up at 3:45 a.m., husband not home�(who knows what he does�) and talked to �t� til I had to shower and come to work. All I can say is I�m never this happy in the morning. Being happy is a rare thing for me, so I�m sitting here at work with a big happy grin. So I don�t care what anyone says�I�m happy. Dancing around my desk happy. Big smile happy. This never happens so just let m sit here with my big fucking grin and stuff. Tommy Lee from Motley Crue has a new song out and guess what it�s actually pretty good. If that�s not funny nothing is. Did I ever mention that I'm 2 years older than "t" and he believes like I do "age is just a number". mmmmm he's so yummy.

-PoeticaL

Lets roll, I�ll take you were you wanna go
Higher than you�ll ever know
I�ll take you where you wanna go
In afterglow
- Tommy Lee