PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

afterglow

Thursday, Jul. 25, 2002
t: can I ask you a personal question?
me: yup
t: do you prefer Kristy or Kris?
me: lol
me: see
me: its that
me: that
me: the way you are
me: in the middle of me being all freaked out you say something so different
me: i love that about you
t: is that bad?
me: no
me: its awesome
t: so which is it?
me: lol you can call me whatever comes natural to you
me: the only thing I hate is "krissy"
t: ewww
me: that reminds me of that chick from 3's company
t: lol
me: what do you wanna call me?
me: how about "pyscho"
me: lol
t: how bout babe?
t: or kris
t: or kristy
me: you call me what you want
me: you call me what comes out
t: ok
me: i just want you to want to call me
t: :-)

Ok this leads me to think about names. Do you like your name? I like my name. Kristy. Itís a nice name. I donít have issue with it. My sisterís name is Tracy, also a nice name. My brotherís name is Eric, again a nice name. Of course this is just my opinion. But I think my Mom did pretty damn ok with the name thing. I thought about that when my son was born. Some of you know his name, and of course itís not ďBuckyĒ. Thatís just his nickname. But his real name, I still love it. I never changed my mind about it. I hope he likes it someday the way I like my name.

Ok, so most people call me by my name. Kristy. Just Kristy. I get that at work too. Nothing else. I hate Krissy and always have. BraN calls me KriS and I really canít even remember why. I suppose thatís just what came to him first. Mad calls me lots of stuff that I donít want to give away. And itís nice when someone has a pet name for you. Some secret little name that no one else quite knows about. Husband used to call me Kasey after my previous initials KC. Because I worked somewhere where I had to sign my initials on everything that I ever did. He hasnít called me that in ages.

Iíve never had someone ask me what I preferred. Itís left me thinking about namesÖabout how we end up calling people certain things. I donít call him ďtĒ and Iíve questioned in my own mind what to call him. Some names are like that. I never wondered what to call Dan or John or Joe kind of people. One syllable. Itís like that. I dunno. ďtĒ has a 3 syllable name. HmmÖ

t: ok let me leave you on this note
t: rememeber when you sent me a copy of your day?
me: yes
t: and one of your routines is the video
me: yes
t: and what was your comment?
me: i don't remember
t: something to the effect of I wish guy would love big hips or something right
me: yeah lol
t: I could look it up but not now..
me: ok...
t: let me put it the way..
t: I don't like those annorexic whatever..
t: they arenít women
t: are you following me
me: yes
t: it matters what is on the inside..
t: and most of what I have seen in them is pretty ugly
me: i want you to know something
me: and I want you to never ever forget that I said this
t: what
me: no matter what I ever say again
me: i want to see you someday
me: i don't care if its a day and I never get to see you again
me: i want to know what happy feels like
t: :-)
t: ok
t: except when I drive down there i would hope that I could stay longer than a day

A boy that likes hips? A boy that understands womenís sizes and understood the change from size 24 to size 16? HmmÖ Sometimes when I talk to ďtĒ I think about all those fucked up issues I had with ďhimĒ over size and weight and appearance and rights and wrongs and I wonder if I didnít go through all of that personal struggle about who and what I was through ďhimĒ just to realize what I need and want and what matters in life. Itís certainly not the size of your hips. And then I think if I ever had size 5 hips I sure as hell wouldnít want to share that glory with ďhimĒ now would I?

Now does all of this mean that I talk to someone for 2 weeks and ďheĒ doesnít matter to me? No. ďHEĒ will always be special to me. 3 Ĺ years and a huge giant friendship. Itís not a bad thing. Itís just that itís not a relationship thing either. Hell the whole ďtĒ thing is a friendship and nothing more. I learned a lot from the Tim experience. Sure I want to believe in love. But love will happen when itís meant to. Right now Iím just hanging out enjoying the fact that I found someone I can really be me with.

Iíve told ďtĒ things Iíve never told anyone. And Iíve figured out who I can trust and Iím grateful for those people. ty S! ty seahorse! And most of all thanks to the big guy up there for somehow sending the right people into my life when I needed them.

Yeah I have a lot a lot of stuff stuff on my mind todayÖ. Iím in a really awesome mood. I went to bed last night at 8:30 p.m., woke up at 3:45 a.m., husband not homeÖ(who knows what he doesÖ) and talked to ďtĒ til I had to shower and come to work. All I can say is Iím never this happy in the morning. Being happy is a rare thing for me, so Iím sitting here at work with a big happy grin. So I donít care what anyone saysÖIím happy. Dancing around my desk happy. Big smile happy. This never happens so just let m sit here with my big fucking grin and stuff. Tommy Lee from Motley Crue has a new song out and guess what itís actually pretty good. If thatís not funny nothing is. Did I ever mention that I'm 2 years older than "t" and he believes like I do "age is just a number". mmmmm he's so yummy.

-PoeticaL

Lets roll, Iíll take you were you wanna go
Higher than youíll ever know
Iíll take you where you wanna go
In afterglow
- Tommy Lee
10:08 a.m. ::
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