PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

Baby I can drive my car!

Wednesday, Jul. 19, 2006
I’m really not one of those girls that will wait around for things to happen anymore. I used to be the girl that attached myself to life and let it take me where it would. Oh this sounds like a carefree way of life, but the thing is you’re not driving the car, you’re hanging on the tail end of the bumper and by doing this you’re getting your entire life skinned up and you’re trying to hang on rather than making your own direction.

Oh this was rather fun when I was young and stupid and blind. I latched on and went for a long ride. There were so many curves and I thought I was enjoying my hair blowing in the wind of life. The constant moving was exciting and the constant change was exhilarating. It made me feel different than all those small town people I knew as a teenager. I was different. I left and by golly I was riding life.

I thought I was so fucking special. In all reality I was letting life do as it wished.

I don’t do that anymore. How do I know this?

Last night I talked to a friend of mine, Kelly. Kelly moved to Ohio to be close to a guy she thought she had dated in the past. She moved away from Florida to go to bumfucked Ohio to be close to him. Apparently this wasn’t a good move for her because he has shown little to no interest. Last weekend they went to an amusement park and rented a hotel room. Kelly went into the bathroom and put on her lingerie and came out of the bathroom ready for some fireworks.

Boy was rolled over on his side and stated, “I’m tired, not tonight.” Problem is that they haven’t bumped uglies save for one time.

She asked me last night via phone what she should do. I asked one simple question

“Did you roll his ass over and take what you wanted?”

She said, “NO I could never do that.”

And there you have it.

Kelly is hanging onto the tail end of a car letting life happen to her. She can’t decide if she wants to buy a condo or not because she thinks that perhaps this guy might ask her to marry him. They aren’t even “dating” and he says so and she’s deciding things based on him. It’s delusion at its finest.

I love Kelly, but she’s rather absorbed in some sort of self fantasy island episode. I had a hard time listening to it without wanting to scream. Oh how I tried to give advice but how can I when someone really needs to yell. “Wake up..you were half naked in a hotel room and he showed NO interest and that was okay with you…you still ache for this guy?” or “Is he gay?” or “Are you stupid?”

It was difficult and yet I ache for her misguided plight to win this guy. She actually asked me “How did you get Rick to marry you?”

You can’t “get someone to” marry you. They either want to or they don’t. In my case I had to answer her honestly by stating, “well I asked him.”

She said, “I can’t do that!!!”

I said, “Well then sit back and enjoy someone else controlling your life and your decisions and your feelings.”

She didn’t like that answer of course because it does come across as harsh.

I’m just the kind of person that if you voice your problem, I will voice my opinion. I think chasing after a guy that never calls you, takes you to a hotel and tells you that he’s too tired, doesn’t help you move when you move across the country to live near him, insists on leaving your apartment after a date because he “must sleep in his own bed”, doesn’t pursue a normal sex life with you without an explanation….

Well it’s just not a relationship and you thinking that perhaps it is ..well that’s futile.

I’m not a girl hanging on the back of that car waiting for life anymore….

I’m in the drivers seat and I wanted to marry Rick and though our circumstances are different (ie: when we met I told him I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!” and he stated, if you change your mind you’ll have to ask me because I will not ask and feel like a fool being rejected..), I took control. I drive my own car. I decide so very much about what I want and when and how and what is okay and not okay.

If Rick says he’s too tired, damn it I roll him over and put that car into first gear and move that shift stick into 2nd, 3rd etc until we are going where I want to go.

Shouldn’t every girl take control at some point? Kelly isn’t in her twenties anymore. I tried to convince her to drive that car or shop for a new one because hanging on sucks.

Rick overheard this conversation and I’m happy to say that I swear my car has an automatic starter. I love that boy.

11:20 a.m. ::
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