PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

a new life will begin

Sunday, Feb. 10, 2002

And there is a new test…much harder….right here



He’s been singing to me, a sick girl, all night. He’s been with me for hours this week. Hours and hours and its been a week where I’ve never been happier. He’s singing “Someday” by Alan Jackson to me…and the tears are rolling down my face. I love this song. And somehow this sad song has managed to become “our” song even though we never really talked about it. Three years ago when I first met him and he was singing in a chat room he asked me if I had any requests. I said that the only country song I truly loved was this one. He didn’t know it. A few nights later when I was online he invited me into a country room and he played it. And something about that really struck me. He didn’t know the song, but he learned it for me. Now he sings it all the time. And that song will never mean the same things to me again.

Last night on the phone during a 6 hour phone conversation he told me...

“Be careful what you wish for you just might get it...”

“You wanted me to care about you, I care about you...

“I want to fly you up here...

“You know that if I’m the same person in person…you know how you'll feel…your so sure of yourself...

“I think you could help me with the vending…go to school...

“When you move here...

“I want you to go to school and gain that sense of self worth that is so elusive for you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

That’s just paraphrasing...but he blew me away. He was so open, so honest, so sincere…. Saying all of the things I never thought he’d say to me.

And it numbs me to the very core. He said something to me that no one else has ever figured out about me. It paralyzes me the way he knows me.

He said “Kristy, its like you think that you’re not deserving of being happy. Its like you think you’re not good enough to have it. You sabotage yourself over and over again and the closer I get the more you push me away. You don’t really want me to go away do you? I know you don’t, so why do you think you don’t deserve to be happy, to have everything you want in life?”

The tears sprang forth so quickly. He’s always had that ability to touch me to the very core of who I am. To figure all my idiosyncrasies out. It is precisely that which tells me that he wouldn’t let me cower and self destruct my own happiness. He would push me up against myself and never let me falter in self pity and doubts.

The last week has been an amazing realization for me. To realize that he knows how far he and I have come. How much we have already been through together. How much he supports me, he’s there for me...he knows and I know and he said “you accept me, faults and all...I accept you”

In the end isn’t that what we all want. Unconditional acceptance. He knows I’m not the person I want to be yet. But he’s stuck by me as I so confusingly have hunted for that girl. He has given me tools to help me find her. He’s stood back and watched me falter and he’s stood up and helped me find my way. He’s always in my corner.

I need to find that one last bit of strength and move on with my life. I need to crawl up over this hump in the road because I know that the other side is so beautiful. So much of what I want. I know I want to jump on a plane and I know I’ll cry like a baby the day I get to wrap my arms around him.

I asked someone what I could do for him for Valentines Day. He replied “I would suggest you invite him for dinner but your husband would be sitting on the couch in his boxers and that might ruin the ambience of the whole thing.”

I know I am judged for my feelings for “him” while still being married. My husband had no problem fucking his girlfriend on Friday night...well...I wrote a poem about it...its so hard for me to even talk about it....

I hope you had fun

Friday you kissed her underneath flesh
You melted and missed her
And still said you loved me best

Saturday you held her inside lies full of bliss
And you told me you were late
With imaginary excuses like lists

Sunday you came back and made love to your wife
Wrapping your arms tightly around all your lies
Like memories taunted you’ve loved me for life

Monday you fucked me completely and true
When you told me about your weekend
And when you were exactly with whom

Tuesday I shot you with love from a gun
In simplicity I’ve bought you forever
Alone with no one, I hope you had fun

When you have walked in my shoes...then you can tell me which fucking shoes to wear. Husband is the reason this marriage is over. He took everything I worked for over ten years and made a huge mockery of it all. If anyone expects me to feel guilty or badly that I love “him”. It’s not about to happen.

I love “him” because “husband” left a huge gaping hole inside of me. An emptiness that remained that way for so many years. A place inside of me that I denied and ignored. A place that nothing helped sooth. I didn’t meet “him” and stop loving my husband. I stopped loving my husband whenever he hurt me beyond repair.

I met “him” and started to realize that I didn’t have to remain unhappy.

-PoeticaL


Moonlight, turn your face to the moonlight
Let your memory lead you
Open up, enter in
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin

-Cats (musical)
2:16 a.m. ::
prev :: next