PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

i'm not cheating on you...are you cheating me?

Monday, Mar. 15, 2004
Tonight I chatted to “him” for all of about 3 seconds

Tonight I chatted to “him” for all of about 3 seconds. He’s doing ok I gather, but then again 3 seconds is hard to judge by.  I ended up quickly calling “him” a fuckstick and funny part is I can’t even tell you why.  Maybe because I held something back for a long time.

 

I had a totally different conversation elsewhere today about how I learned to hold things in probably from my dysfunctional upbringing. My parents did a helluva lot of pretending.  Pretending all was ok, when it clearly wasn’t.  This is very misleading for a kid.  I think it all started because I mentioned how when my son does something wrong I always talk to him about it and then make sure I tell him that I still love him despite the fact that he made a mistake.  That’s something my parents NEVER did.  They usually didn’t work on the communication side of things unless or until I made a mistake and then it was just hours of berating and insults and just …yah it was bad.  So I thought I put that stuff in a brown bag and tossed it.  You never really do toss that bad lunch.  It comes back to haunt you like the next day’s vomit after a long hard party.  Only this is the type of stuff you can’t take a pill for. There is no quick fix.

 

This led to my saying “we both realize that I have issues so why do you talk to me, I’m like damaged goods.”  I then got a speech about how I’m not “damaged goods” and that its obvious that I’m accepted just the way I am, faults and all.  Furthermore if I didn’t realize my misgivings I wouldn’t be working so hard to fix things.  The thing is ….In all my life this is the first damn time anyone’s actually verbalized those words.  Not said, “geez you’re fucked in the head, go take a pill” or some such thing.  Ex did it…lots of people have done it.  This is the first time any single person has said it, just out and out said it without my asking for acceptance, expecting it or thinking about it.  Flat out said…

 

“It’s ok Kristy…it’s ok that you’re struggling, it’s ok that things have been rough, it’s ok that you’re having a tough time with some issues, it’s even ok that you have some issues, we all have issues, some people don’t admit to them, some people pretend they don’t have them.”

 

I started to cry.  Not because it was perfect even though it was.  I started to cry because all my life I wanted my mother to be accepting, my child to be accepting, my former husband to be accepting…sometimes I craved it, worked to hear it, almost forced unspoken words from silent throats and today like it was nothing, like it was as simple as the sky being blue the rain being wet, there it was.  Acceptance without condition…just like that.  I sat there in the rain, my eyes just as wet, the tears rolling down my face just like the rain rolling down the windshield.  And I was unimaginably whole.

 

If I couldn’t breath, would you come to my aid?  If I wanted to die would you stop me?  I think you would yet you will watch me in pain and not get close to me….this is why I have a hard time opening up…being free……this is why I guard my heart, watch my step, hold myself tight…because when I need you to, you don’t. You sit alone and leave me in that empty place alone as well…this is why I don’t know….I need you to, and it seems like you can’t and maybe you never will.  This is why…you throw my meds at me in disgust, you don’t support my problem, you don’t help me mend it.  You ridicule it and make me feel like I’m a freakshow you’re not wanting to attend.

 

Someone said, “don’t lie” so I’m not going to because it’s hurting me…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11:58 p.m. ::
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