don't be a'scared

My life has been a series of ups and downs...to date I would sadly but truthfully have to say there�s been more downs than ups and more anguish than joy. I say that easily until I think about him. Until he calls or I hear him say my name. He�s been there for me while I spent my time growing up and he never seemed to mind that I struggled, made mistakes and didn�t always have the patience of a saint. I apologized often to his blank stares about not having handled things the way I would have most wanted to if I had a second chance to start all over again.



I have spent mornings happily driving into the sunshine singing songs and watching his back retreat over the years as he walked further away into independence. I have watched his spirit grow and change and develop into an entire person with thoughts and ideas and creativity.



I've spent countless nights wondering if I remembered to tell him that I loved him that particular day. And then I spent countless nights making deals with God.. Please just keep him safe and sound until I can intervene and make things more the way I wish them to be...nevermind God...I don't want to play let's make a deal..he's too important but wait God please just keep him safe because he deserves all the guardian angels in the world watching over him.



He's good personified and he's every reason I am still here breathing, walking, talking and finding the current peace in my life. It is only because of him that I have endured, changed, grown, and struggled on my hands and knees through the darkest hours of my life. After all I have long lived my life repeating the same mantra, "It is always darkest just before dawn." I long believed like Frost in my favorite poem that Nothing Gold Can Stay..but someone proves me wrong always.



Yah it's sappy when your Mom gushes over you on the Internet..but you should know I owe you everything that I am.



I remember one day when you were about 2 1/2 years old you were outside playing, I ran inside to go to the bathroom. I came right back out and you were gone. Gone even though I was talking to you through the window while I used the bathroom. Gone!! I looked everywhere in my vision and then I called your father at work. I was in a panic. "where is he??? Oh my gosh where did he go? "no you don't understand he was just here and now he's gone!!"



I found you hiding behind the neighbors big fir tree. I was calling your name and walking up behind you�..and you were very quietly giggling...you heard me..you knew I was hunting but you were playing silly toddler games... I was mixed with emotions...there you were and you were safe. "thank you God for another quickly answered motherly prayer".but wait just a darn minute....that little snot is laughing while I hunt for him??? I explained to you for ten minutes that it was scary for Mommy and that when I was looking for you I was making sure you were safe because that was the job that Mommy's do. I instructed you very carefully that we were going to role-play and replay the scene only this time I would call you and you would answer me so that I didn't need to panic.



I placed you again behind the neighbor's tree in the same spot.



I walked a good distance away on the other side of the tree.



I again called out to you "Keith... Keith where are you...??



You responded in a little giggly bratty toddler voice, "I not here, I hidin' ...don't be a'scared."



Sometimes when I want to just find you within close proximity and my memory reminds me that you�re not always right here anymore...I often hear that little voice telling me not to be a�scared that you might not be safe just because I can't see you. It's still hard. I still worry...I still love you...and you're still my brat. Life is by far more joyful because of you.