cluttering the net since 2001

a shadow of my doubt (poem)

Monday, Jun. 10, 2002
Thanks for letting me blubber all over you Mad...it helps me beyond anything. I just wish I had been strong enough to believe and believe and believe all the way. I got scared and jumped...

I hear this song everyday and it reminds me of him. The way he always asked me about everything I thought about everything in my past, everything that was going on. No one else has ever wanted to know me that way so thoroughly. Someone recently told me that I only care about him and one other person. I think the reason I am so gone over him is because he always was this way.

I imagine that as a child if he licked the chocolate cake batter off of his Mom’s mixer beaters she could have put them right back into the drawer, clean. Thorough.

lol ok so that was gross…but still funny

This song…these parts…

Just a friend
I wanna know your name and
I wanna know if you gotta man (I wanna know)
I wanna know everything
I wanna know ya number and if I can come over and
I wanna know what ya like
I wanna know so I can do it all night

I wanna know you in and out
I wanna know what you're all about (I wanna know)
I wanna know what makes you laugh
I wanna know about your past
I wanna know how you move
I wanna know so I can move too (I wanna know)

I wrote this poem a while ago…it still is so true. June 24, 2001 I wrote it. A year has passed….some of it is still so damned true…some has changed greatly.

“I know I feel it every time I see wings in the sky
wanting them to fly me to bliss
Wanting to be that someone strapped in the blue air”

he wants to… and it is all I can think about…

I painted my heart into a corner.
No way out
No way back
Painted latex lies- poetical

A Shadow of my Doubt

In my perfect reality
It would be as simple as me taking my life in a
and jumping a plane to happiness
I know I feel it every time I see wings in the sky
wanting them to fly me to bliss
Wanting to be that someone strapped in the blue air
Going nowhere is better than being stuck in my here
This is the only thing I have known…
this and this and just always this

To be a simple picture of perfection in my own minds
exclusive art gallery
I’d wish to be your every thing that you can’t seem to
find the key to see
Running off of airplanes onto the landing strip of me
Chasing blindly after dreams I so desperately want to

I want a love like a child, pure and sweet
Innocence and imagery
I lust a lust like a hearts angry beat
Hunger and the body in slavery

To blink my eyes in wishes of a reality that is the
darkness of shadows
You are the shadows that keep following me, haunting
me, wanting me
The images I can’t see because I keep stepping on you
for you are never in front of me
Looking for something to ease the pain that’s my
constant melting rain
Something that I can’t grasp
Something that is my future so far removed
From the ugliness of my past

To have answers to the lurking mysteries like the
stalking strangers
Always finding me behind weeping trees
Id be stronger without you if it meant I could have
I’d be someone worth wanting
Someone with something intelligent to say
I’d be anything just to touch the nothing I can see
In my eyelids of you

Life is too complex for those as deep as I
I’d give my last dime to just see the world eye to eye
But I’m always lost in rooms with too few doors
I think I’m spiraling out the windows glass
I can’t take the confusion anymore

I can’t get past the wanting to find my rewind
Rerecord the thoughts I have today
So somehow yesterday I just might find
The reason for my wanting shadows
To become something I can touch
Something I can taste
Not just something I have craved
I want to be your something worth touching
Worth believing in
Your only dream
I want to be the shadow
Something that is the definition of all the words
I want to become all they mean

Can you love someone for what the soul writes down?
In moments of who they are can you be found?
I just know that sometimes when I feel alone
I pray that the sun comes back out soon
So your shadow is back on my ground
12:51 p.m. ::
prev :: next