cluttering the net since 2001

asphalt hair

Thursday, Jan. 31, 2002
I just spent the last 3 hours laying on my driveway on the phone talking with “him”. There was a helicopter that flew right over my head shining its lights down on me. I felt like I was in the spotlight and the whole world could feel me shine. And even though there’s a pound of asphalt dust in my hair and my back hurts and my eyes are burning from the breeze…I’m so happy right now. I so remember what is so good about him. What feels so right about it all. Why I am so lucky even if I may never get what I so long for. Why I am so lucky to know every emotion as though I’ve wrapped my guts around it and bled until I became one with them.

The way he talks to me when he hears me versus when he just has text is so unbelievable different and I believe its because we as humans seek the warmth of other humans. The most prolific and perfect of words don’t wrap their reality around your heart. They are mere food for thought. But my voice embracing his voice, perfect unison…..is beautiful.

Tonight he told me that he doesn’t have a black book because …”I keep your phone number in my watch so its with me all the time.” lol The humoristic way he talks without knowing it. I keep him in my heart all the time even if we skip a few beats.

Maybe love is like this. Maybe I’ve just never known it. I told him that he’s the most “real” relationship I’ve ever had. And I don’t care if no one else in the world believes in it…I do.

I think I need to stop being so damn selfish and try for once in my life to be selfless. Totally selfless….. maybe once I do that I’ll find peace….. Just maybe…. I think when it comes to him I am completely selfish because he can make me feel so complete and I seek that feeling over and over again….instead of finding it within.


There is asphalt around me, there is concrete around me
There is steel and glass, there is one law around
Trust yourself
Trust yourself
Trust yourself
Trust yourself

I can see the end of the blue sky
I can see the earth and the asphalt

And if I am in a state to understand something
Tell me something that you think I should know

(Post Alcoholic Anxieties)
12:50 a.m. ::
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