cluttering the net since 2001

a wish not worth wasting a star

Thursday, Mar. 28, 2002
Sometimes I think that I have things all figured out and that I understand the world in which I live. Sometimes I think I know everything and that there’s nothing left that can surprise me. Sometimes I have the notion that life is supposed to just be about the sky being blue on a Sunday afternoon and being lucky enough to see it. But right when I think I have a grasp on all of it something happens that throws me off the moon and leaves me feeling like I can fly if I just open up my wings and believe. Other times I realize that I don’t know anything at all and that if I jump I’ll fall to my own death and it won’t be a pretty suicidal motion. It would just be a death without a love note left.

Today….about an hour ago, "he" called me up out of the blue to give me his new phone number. I said goodbye to that part of my world. I said never again and then again….I hear his voice and the world tilts and I ‘m sliding down flailing around like a smashed cockroach looking for something to hold onto. Love is the most amazing and yet the saddest emotion that god ever created. It makes us lose our minds and lose our sanity in one fell swoop. Keep in mind that "he" thinks that I met David and am happily dating him and living on my own. Facts are…

1. David never returned my call. Ignored my email…..
2. I moved back in with husband. (a fact that "he" doesn’t know.)

“He” told me all about moving into his new place. Told me about his new furniture. Told me that he wants us to be friends. That he “likes” me and misses “just talking” to me. He misses me. And all logic tells me “so the fuck what!” but my heart…is another story. He “misses” me and I hear him say it and I feel not so alone in the emotions that I’ve swam in for almost 3 years. I hear his voice and my heart leaps into its throat. I hear him talk and I do care. I want nothing more in that moment than for him to be happy. I hear his voice and all reason and sanity goes right out the fucking window. I hear his voice and the wind inside my chest goes heaving out so fast that I feel like I’m going to fall down. I hear his voice and there is no reason to any rhyme I’ve ever written. And there is no poem to make sense of anything.

I hear his voice and I just wish he hadn’t called because the fact is I was feeling “nothing” … “absolutely nothing” regarding him. I was standing in an emotional vacancy where he was concerned and it was peacefully beautiful…until I heard his voice again. I said goodbye last Saturday night. He’s the only person I know that can turn goodbye back into a wish. A wish that’s not worth wasting a star. A wish that reminds me of Paul Westerbergs words…


Well you wish upon a star that turns into a plane
And I guess that's right on par
Who's left to blame?

-Paul Westerberg


…..by the way…he gave me his new phone number and email address and I wish I had the strength not to write it down….but I did write it down….now I’m thinking about eating this piece of paper…. Fuck! Why did he call me?
3:33 p.m. ::
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