cluttering the net since 2001

been trying to post this for 2 hours...ugh....

Monday, Mar. 17, 2003
Get the new server fixed soon please...I think it's all a bad marketing ploy to get my $30!

I knew about Rick's past, I just never saw him drunk and never expected him to ever go to his brother asking him to get him some crack. But ya know some people don't handle alcohol well, and Rick is one of those people. He never withheld information about his past, I was completely aware of things prior to Friday night. The thing that freaked me out was that he was 1. acting really weird and I didn't expect that. 2. I witnessed him asking his brother and then he did an about face and lied to me.

I realize now that 1. he didn't lie because he wasn't even aware of what was going on. And 2. he doesn't want or do crack and 3. 12 years of someone lying to you makes you overly sensitive to anything even closely related.

I love Rick, I trust Rick, I know that he's never truly lied to me. And when he found out and was made aware of what had gone on he apologized profusely, he made NO excuses for his behavior, he simply asked for my forgiveness. I believe in forgiveness, afterall look at all the forgiveness I gave to a man that lied, cheated, and stole from me for years and did so on PURPOSE!

Rick says it's odd to see his personal life this way, but also said that I haven't done anything wrong by writing about it all in my diary. I love that about him, that he lets me express, and be the woman that I am. He doesn't ask me to change. I don't want him to change, I just know that the guy I saw while he was drinking isn't the man I know. It's like a bad alter ego I'd rather not know. But he's already said it won't happen again, I'm all for that. I believe him too. In the light of day he is honest, sincere and true to me. I know these things. They are what saved us. They are what brought me back to talk it through. I want a relationship based on communication and honesty and it just scared me...the events flipped me out because of all the scars I carry with me.

Rick is truly a strong person for finding the strength to deal with my fears and issues that were instilled in me by someone that came before him. He's a responsible guy who goes to work everyday, does what he says he will do, says what he means and does what he says, he just shouldn't drink. It's his one downfall.

Jess was right when she said in my guestbook, that he didn't really LIE to me. I just got all bent out of shape because I have been down a road with a man who did nothing but Lie to me. I just don't want to ever go there again.

Two things I really want to say....

I love you Rick...I love you for hashing it all out with me all day Saturday until I could put it away and feel safe and secure within our relationship. And...I'm sorry...I'm sorry that I have this need to analyze my life, write my feelings down and harbor no secrets from anyone about who I am. I love you for letting me be me, for not changing me, for accepting that it is odd to have your life plastered on the net, but that it's the best way for me to cope with things...I love you for letting me do that.

9:49 p.m. ::
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