PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

begin rant...that never ends

Thursday, Dec. 14, 2006
Yesterday I finally called the doctor and have an appointment for Dec. 29th. I have no idea how this appointment will go, however Rick has stated he will attend with me and we will face all of this together. (Which in his defense…we have already done to date) I am whacked with worry right now. I took a pregnancy test yesterday and the electronic window flashed “not pregnant”. This at this point is good because I would lose it anyway. I could be told that they want to do a full hysterectomy to get rid of pre-cancerous cells. I could be told something else. Most likely I’ll be told nothing and they’ll simply do a test to see if there are pre-cancerous cells or not. They might do nothing and just schedule that test. Doctor’s and medical procedures are the most long drawn out things ever. And then if they do schedule the test, it’ll be another two weeks before I go for the test, then another week before I know what the test said.

Secondly I want to state that my insurance company to date has paid out nearly $14,000 in medical bills due to my surgery earlier this year etc. I am certainly doing everything possible to be healthy etc.

Last night for whatever reasons I could not get close enough to Rick. In his arms is the only place where all of the world’s harshest realities go away. We talked about all of it. And there are a few things I want to clarify. I do understand that in the world around me people are having babies every single day. I get that. I deal with that. It is most difficult to find out that you yourself are going to have a niece or nephew interjected into your life. A baby not only that will arrive perhaps shortly after you yourself may be told that you need a full hysterectomy, but also a baby that you would under otherwise normal circumstances fully welcome and fully love and care for. This is not a baby that’s entering my world on the outskirts. This is a baby I truly want to care about and love and want to hold and kiss. This is my husband’s twin brother’s child, who is also someone that I do care about.

But….this is so difficult to do at this point in my life. Two years ago…yes. Two years from now…yes. Right now? Oy….the ache. I am hopeful that I will get good news and that somehow I will manage any bad news. I am just realistic in knowing right now what I have the capacity to subject myself to. Right now I cannot bear to sit and listen to nursery talk and feeling babies kick…and on and on and on. It would be like sitting in a room and allowing people to jab needles into my eyes repeatedly. I know I could not sit there and withstand that kind of thing without breaking down. If one knows they will breakdown in the midst of someone else’s happiness then it is my desire to not ruin someone else’s glorious time.

In Randy’s defense I want to say that he told Rick he anticipated that this would be hard on me. Rick did not get it. Why? Because throughout this entire process I have stoically repeated to everyone, “I have a child..if this does not work I will go on…I will be ok.” Oh the things we try to fool ourselves into believing to desperately hang in, hang on and keep on keeping on in the long process of infertility.

Upon hearing that I am going to have yet another niece or nephew…Rick stated ‘But my niece had a baby and you didn’t care…you were ok.” To which I responded, “But your niece is in Illinois and for the record when the baby pictures arrived in the mail I sat here and cried for two hours, but you weren’t home to know it.” Why would I not tell him this at the time? Why? Why tell someone who’s potentially feeling their own pain that you are blubbering for two hours over baby pictures arriving in the mail??

We’re supposed to go to a Hockey game with Randy and Chrissy and Rick asked me about it last night over dinner. “I suppose you don’t want to go to the hockey game now?” My response, “No…to be honest…no…yes…yes I want to want to…but no…I just can’t.” I can’t sit anywhere and listen to someone else’s happiness about an upcoming birth. When I try to picture myself at the hospital supporting my family members in their time of happiness all I can feel is gut wrenching pain and a huge need for avoidance. If I had the ability I’d pack my things up and move and then I’d simply have to receive pictures in the mail, cry for two hours and then suck it up and go back to my life of convincing myself that it’s ok if we don’t ever have our own family.

I also understand that their lives and their issues and their poor choices are not my concern. It’s just that when in this situation you see the injustices all around you. Every time I sit in the doctor’s office there are at least 2 or 3 girls sitting there pregnant who are all of 14 or 15 years old. It can all get to you after awhile. The constant reminder that you can’t have what you want…you are not somehow worthy while other’s undeserving are.

Would I put Randy and Chrissy into this category….sometimes yes…sometimes no. The emotions of a highly hormonal unable to get pregnant women are insanely irrational and I realize this but cannot do anything to change it.

I haven’t blabbered about all of my feelings to Rick and therefore how can I really be all ticked off at him for not getting it? I mean I’m the one that’s been walking around with a plastered smile on my face while I’m heartbroken, sad and depressive about the whole ordeal.

I want to definitely reiterate that I think she should get a damned divorce and make things right. I think she should let her estranged husband move on and I think that all the excuses in the world should be gone now that there’s a new life to think about.

We’re supposed to go to that hockey game….and I’m here to tell you that I’m not going. Christmas is coming and I’ve barely begun to shop for my son. I have no Christmas decorations out, no tree..no celebratory anything. I just want to sit somewhere silent and cry cry cry.

I’ve tried to tell myself it doesn’t matter and that it’s ok …but it does matter….it matters a whole lot to me. I would like to also say for the record that Rick…Rick is amazing. He is ok. I have asked him how he might feel when his brother is holding his child and he may know that we’ll never have a child. He is accepting of it, he says “that’s life…sometimes that’s how it goes.” I wish I could feel that way. I simply know in my heart of hearts that I want Rick to hold his own child…I want him to be a father and know the joy of raising a child and I feel so inadequately able to give him that and it breaks my heart. Not because he’s forcing me to feel poorly…but because it simply breaks my heart because it’s what I want. I want what I’ve always wanted….a family.

Yesterday in my son’s infinite and sweet wisdom he managed to make me crack up laughing without even knowing he was pulling me back from the edge. I told him that Chrissy was pregnant and he replied, “How can you tell?” Chrissy weighs well over 300 pounds and my son was simply stating a honest inquiry. He was not making fun…but in it’s honesty it made me laugh for the first time in hours. I know that I am blessed. I know that in my lifetime I have done one thing amazingly well…and that has been my son. My son. I know that Rick loves my son…I know that Rick loves me. I just also know that there is a gap…a hollow…an emptiness and no matter how many well meaning things people say to me….it breaks me.

This morning my favorite co-worker told me “Go to the game Kristy…I want to know if she will fit in the seat.” This too made me grin. I am not for making fun of someone’s weight, I’m really not. But I will say in this circumstance it’s insane to me that someone that weighs that much is about to get fatter and sits and eats like a pig. There is a very unfair feeling to all of it when I’m popping vitamins, eating right…doing everything I can and actually “trying” and “wanting”. Someone told me to quit trying and ahh…yah we know that doesn’t work because for the first two years we weren’t technically trying…we were just practicing. That doesn’t work…trust me. If you have infertility issues, not trying doesn’t work at all.

If I go to the hockey game I told Rick to anticipate that I will be falling down drunk and god knows what might come out of my mouth. Is this right? No….not at all. I should be gracious and kind…because to date I’ve learned that doing the right thing….nevermind…doing the right things certainly hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I’m married, employed, in college….seeking medical attention…blah fucking blah….I’d have to be falling down drunk to be around her right now.

I do want to say that the people that have emailed me their good wishes and advice…thank you. I do realize that you’re all right and I am wrong and not so gracious. I know it and I just don’t care because I’m tired of enduring pain in my life with a smile on my face. I refuse to live that way, I refuse to “pretend” something is not painful or is ok. I also do not want to ruin anyone else’s thunder, but how do you yourself cope with pain honestly and openly without being openly honest about how much it hurts?

Believe me I haven’t even talked openly about this here because I’m so sick of feeling it, living it…that I don’t want to become nothing but an infertile miserable woman. I don’t…but I am becoming that despite my best intentions…at least this week I am.

I have long had the feeling that I keep getting cheated out of having a family. I had it…I struggled to keep it….I lost it….I then had my own child..had a mommy/daddy in the house and all that jazz….again…that family….lost…it’s all fractured at least. Yes yes yes I have an amazing child….a part time fractured family at best. The only damned thing I started out ever wanting…family. And I don’t have it. It’s frustrating and painful and I need to say fuck it…and I can’t. I am grateful to my long list of friends at work who have supported me, hugged me and listened to me rant and rave. I’m grateful for my husband who hushes me, hugs me and loves me and of course for my greater than great kid who makes me laugh despite my frustrations and downfalls.

Like most things in life I know that a few years from now no matter what happens I will look back and understand this….perhaps all of this…but for now I am just so damned sad.

Top ten (slash that) ELEVEN things not to say to a woman who wants to have a baby but is having fertility difficulties.

1. But you already have a child.
2. You’re how old???
3. Just think..if you don’t have any more kids..you can afford to travel.
4. Your husband waited until his late thirties to think about children, that is not your fault!
5. Imagine how hard it would be to wake up throughout the night at your age.
6. How would you study and have a baby at the same time anyways?
7. In a few years you’ll have your own wonderful baby and nothing else will matter anymore.
8. You probably just think you want this because the university is telling you that you can’t. We always want what we can’t have you know!
9. Your husband’s not going to leave you if you don’t have babies.
10. Why would you want to start all over again, you’re nearly done raising your son now!
11. Try a different position.

Top five things you should say.

1. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
2. hang in there, don’t get discouraged
3. Try to relax and stay calm.
4. I care about you and I’m always around if you need to talk.
5. Surely it’s difficult on you and people need to respect what you’re going through.


1:26 p.m. ::
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