cluttering the net since 2001

Big is....better than being small minded

Thursday, Nov. 10, 2005

This is my “fat girl”entry.  I know I will get nasty comments and so what…it’s par for the course when you’re termed a fat girl and some asshats think that fat girls are not worthy.  The word “fat” has come to mean something bad, almost the same as saying “damn that girls stupid”.  And yet given the choice I’d take being overweight to being stupid anyday.  Stupid doesn’t always have a chance of changing nor is it something I ever want to be.  Fat, as ugly as that word is, always has the opportunity for change.  Fat is like cancer that robs you of your beautiful hair and beautiful smile.  I don’t mean to compare in metaphor the meaning of cancer (often deeply painful and without cure and leading to death) but in reality it’s much the same.  It’s an affliction of sorts and it does seem to rob your beauty, that is to the fool’s of the world.  Any smart person can detect beauty for beauty’s sake and realize that beauty has nothing to do with size.  Beauty is something intangible.  It is in the way a woman walks, talks, moves, behaves, reacts, laughs, and conducts herself.



I know I’m getting way philosophical here and this happens to me every time I talk about being a girl with weight issues.  I have these issues not because I am unhealthy (though there was that one fucktard that told me I had to have surgery because I am fat….though my size 3 sister had the same surgery a full 3 ˝ years prior to me…apparently gall bladders go “poof I’m bad” despite weight…hmm I did say fucktard didn’t I?)..but I have these issues because of the abundance of stupid people in the world that equate the definition of fat with the definition of unworthiness and un-lovability.  Let’s talk about the definition for Fat…only after we really know it.  This is where “being educated and smart” will serve us well.



fat   Audio pronunciation of ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (ft)

    1. The ester of glycerol and one, two, or three fatty acids.
    2. Any of various soft, solid, or semisolid organic compounds constituting the esters of glycerol and fatty acids and their associated organic groups.
    3. A mixture of such compounds occurring widely in organic tissue, especially in the adipose tissue of animals and in the seeds, nuts, and fruits of plants.
    4. Animal tissue containing such substances.
    5. A solidified animal or vegetable oil.
  2. Obesity; corpulence.
  3. The best or richest part: living off the fat of the land.




Hmm I detect obesity.  We must further investigate.



o·be·si·ty   Audio pronunciation of ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (-bs-t)

The condition of being obese; increased body weight caused by excessive accumulation of fat.



Ok so being called fat is a stupid person’s terminology.  If you carry “increased body weight” you are in fact obese. 



Ok now that we’ve discovered truth in definition….let me continue.  I am not fat.  I have an obesity issue.  This one issue is not the sum of who I am.  I also have other issues…issues that I readily admit to.  I have ongoing issues with my childhood and relive memories and events in times of undue stress which lead to anxiety attacks and questionable anger outbursts as my senses are overwhelmed by memories.  There, I can admit I have these issues.  Do these issues hang from my body like the excess fat where other’s can see their true ugliness?  No.  Therefore no one no one no one that comes into contact with me will look at me and say “Damn girl you really should do something about that Stress Disorder Syndrome you’re carrying around, quit stressing”.  No they don’t but they will look at me and ask me insane questions like the one I got today at work upon discussing my upcoming nuptials via discussion about the choice of vows and the indecisiveness I was feeling.  No one said, “Get your shit together and figure it out.”  No instead it went down like this…


Someone I work with, who shall remain nameless, asked me if my future husband was “BIG”.  I stared wide eyed and went to my desk and retrieved a picture of my man. I showed the person asking.  She said, “oh he’s not FAT like I thought.”  What the fuck is that about.  Rick is guilty by association?  Rick would have to be assumed to be overweight because I have a weight issue that remains half un-resolved?  In retrospect and after discussing this with a friend of mine at work, I wish wish wish I had said, “yes Rick is very thick and this makes our sex life amazingly good.”  She asked if he was BIG..I should have said “oh my god yes he’s so very big I can barely go ten minutes without multiple orgasms.”  (of course this would not be lying but I digress….)


The assumption that she made is not new to me and I’ve written about it in the past regarding not only Rick but also my very very thin ex-husband who cheated on me with an ugly “obese issued” woman…and our mishaps never included him ever complaining or bemoaning my obese issued ass.  Never!  We never had sex life issues…we never had weight or size issues (although he was not the lucky man that Rick is….*grin*)…he never told me to “lose weight” or any such thing.  In fact as I recall every time I dieted he would bring home boxes of donuts as though he was too insecure to allow me to defeat my obesity monster.  The issues in that marriage were 1. his lying, 2. my whining about his lying 3. his inability to be fiscally responsible or hold down a consistent job 4. my miserable existence of trying to build a solid life without him supporting that construction.  It had nothing to do with my body, weight etc.



The assumption that I as the proud owner of the obese assity….would indeed only be able to be loved by a fellow BIG man is ludicrous.  I’ve always had thin men.  My first boyfriend (back in the days of my size 11 ass) was a 175 5’10 muscle bound gym freak.  He had a love affair with my watermelon ass.  He loved it.  He could not get enough of it and long after I left him he would still mention my ass….ten years later he told me, “you had the best curves….I missed them for a long time.” 



My ability to attract good looking guys (and yes I realize this is a matter of taste…because damn ain’t it great that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and therefore we don’t have to rely upon attracting those stupid fucktards that think a size 12 girl is tagged by the obesity gods as having issues) had everything to do with my personality. I can make any guy laugh (lest he be a fuck tard or “just’in denial about reality). I can talk, listen, amuse, cajole, and happily flirt, attract and seduce any man I truly wish or want for.  I’ve never wanted a man that I couldn’t laugh with, and/or just flat out tell “wanna go lay down” if my obese ass found him attractive.  Love is not about size, weight, looks.  Love is about personalities taking a dance and never wanting to stop motion.  If a man says he is not attracted to “obese” then he’s wiping off the names of women from his list based on superficial unimportant and irrelevant issues. 


I personally know a man that has a 94 lb wife.  That’s great.  Lucky her…no???  Most woman (not myself included) would love to be 94 lbs.  However, when this man who claims to love her beyond measure, chooses to compliment her all he ever blabbers on about is her size/weight and or ability to earn money.  Size and money earning ability.  Oh these two things are what constitute love?  Never has he pointed out to me that she’s a brilliant conversationalist or a warm engaging personality.  No…he’s pointed out to the masses that he is one lucky slag of a man because he can boink his 94 lb vessel.  This is sad to me.  No I am not calling any woman a vessel but his fucktardly comments sure do.



I have read so many blogs, diaries, books, magazine articles and more more more about how women do not love themselves because their legs are too fat, their ass is too round, their boobs too big…too small….too saggy….too far apart…too close together….STOP IT PEOPLE STOP….and worse yet their midsections too flabby…same midsections that often housed beautiful babys like gifts wrapped in the glorious flesh that god provided as wrapping paper for newborns.  We all strive to be the best we can be.  This means I don’t wear pants that are too tight with panties that cause unsightly lines.  This means that I take care to brush my hair, my teeth, and put on deodorant and perfume and keep my fingernails manicured, etc.  After all I am all woman and feminine and my obese ass doesn’t change those facts.  I wear sexy clothes for my man on sexy occasions and I do not think I do not have a right to be sexy, wanton, desirable and flat out slutty if I so choose for my lover. 



I have had good men, bad men, amazing lovers and cheating husbands, (yes I openly admit that I’ve been on every side of the fence…every single damn one…with shame…and without shame….I have made mistakes…and been the mistake…so what…that’s life…I can admit it)  I’ve been cheated on, loved madly, bent over chairs and hung from headboards and never never ever has the size of my ass made me feel less sexy to a man.  And never ever has any man ever kicked me out of his bed or not come back for more.  I am sexy because I behave sexy….I am sexy because I know how to move, how to enjoy someone else’s presence and how to enjoy every emotion that god gifted me with.  I have no doubts that I am a beautiful woman and that I give pleasure and take pleasure where it is given.



My thoughts have always always been “if he didn’t want to see me naked he would not be in this room with me taking off his pants.”  And let me say with complete sincerity and honesty….if you’re crawling around the sheets moaning because the man you are with makes you happy and fulfilled as a woman, as a lover…..he will not not NOT ever take notice of the size of your ass (and if he does…regardless of size of said ass….get that fucktard OUT of your bed RIGHT NOW)….the same goes for if you have the perfect ass…if you lay there disinterested your perfect ass will never make up for your inability to engage in the moment with him. 


I exercise….often.  I eat well. I do not ever eat what the world believes you must eat to be “OBESE”.  I do not sit up at 2 a.m. eating bags of Doritoes by the pound nor do I eat entire chocolate cakes as though they are one little ho ho. I am what I am because of many reasons, one of them being the PCOS.


What are the symptoms of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)?

These are some of the symptoms of PCOS:

  • infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
  • infertility or inability to get pregnant because of not ovulating
  • increased growth of hair on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
  • acne, oily skin, or dandruff
  • pelvic pain
  • weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist


Sounds just lovely doesn’t it?  It’s not.  It sucks.  Badly.  However, it is not robbing me of the beauty that I am.  I know that I am worthy of happiness, self-acceptance and love. Love not only from other’s but love from myself….if I can’t love myself….that is sad.  Truly sad.  Until one accepts themselves they will always struggle with everything else.


Yes I have feelings and yes it used to really get to me when someone told me I was “fat” “gross” “lard” etc.  But I’ve finally found that what bother’s me about it is that when someone uses these terms they are throwing their ugliness in my face.  I want to believe that people are better than this.  I want to believe that the world can see people for what and who they are as a whole.  My ass is not who I am…it is part of the whole entity that I am.  My eyes, my face, my mouth, my lips, my fingers, my toes, my body….these are things that are me….but this is the shell I exist within…this is not all that I am or will ever be. 


Yes sometimes it sucks to be what society wants to call a “fat girl” sometimes it would be nice to resolve this issue once and for all, because of the fucktard mentality that will always exist around the issue of beauty and worthiness.  But it doesn’t suck in my world because I am lucky.  I have so very much to be lucky for.  I have a BIG man….big in heart, soul…life…masculinity and love.  Bigger than life….that’s how BIG my man is.  He sees all that I am….and appreciates my obesity issue for how strong it has made me….how self assured, etc.  I can wiggle my way around in my sexy thong because a big ‘ole granny panty never made a girl beautiful…and if she wore them because she thought to herself “my stomach might jiggle…god I feel so gross” then that is just plain sad to me….a real man….wants you next to him because you’re a woman, a work of art, a feminine beautiful human being he wants to share his life and time with. 


My heart, my soul, my essence is bigger than my ass….it always has been…it always will be…..and ya know …that size 11 ass I used to have….it wasn’t half as beautiful as the one I now sport…because that ass wasn’t comfortable in it’s own skin….that one didn’t know how to let loose and enjoy life and dance in the sheets til the morning sun came back out……and even as I diet and work towards body health and balance….I will never go so far as to lose all that I have become…because I am a girl with large ambitions and one very obese heart toting around one gorgeous ass worth swinging.


To the BIG man in my life…..you bring out the best in me…you are the light in a sometimes dark world….our love…our life..is fat with joy…you’re bigger than any girl deserves honey….I love you…more so I  love who I can now be…because of  you…because of us. 


11:50 p.m. ::
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