big stupid mouth needs to take a walk

I recently ordered a bridal dress catalog. Since I did that I�ve had an onslaught of �honeymoon� type of catalogs roll in. Last night I got a �walking tour� catalog about taking a �walking guided tour� honeymoon. There were different packages in there. They listed the pricing for a �walking� trip to Yosemite Park at $1,826 for a couple.

I�m thinking about taking a week off and taking an "I need a damn break from the world� walking tour of California. I just called the 1-800 number and with an airline ticket and the cost of the walking tour whereby they also include �camping� and a pre-set up tent for your use, it is approximately $980 for me to go. They have people who are there to guide you and make your breakfast and wait on you hand and foot for a week. I can�t imagine what sort of breakfast they�d make for you while camping in the woods, but who cares. I love having breakfast made for me (just like R. did this weekend�that�s the best.)

I�ve never traveled alone. I imagine taking an empty journal, a bag of good coffee and a travel coffee maker and just saying �fuck all� for a week and it makes me feel all good inside. I�ve worked hard, and I can work a little harder and save some extra cash and just blow it on myself. I could go and just have some fun.

Maybe I worry too much about the future. Maybe I worry too much about the people I care about. Maybe I take it too personally when someone tries to tell me how to feel about something. Maybe I should have taken my own advice and kept my damn mouth shut instead of spewing forth stuff that I don�t even mean because my frustration and tired level is so damn high right now.

I�m really not sure how I feel about things right now. I�m tired of being the responsible one. I want to grab a sixpack and go to the beach tonight and get trashed and drive home without a care and then I want to call off work tomorrow, maybe sit around all day painting my toenails different colors and to hell with all the things that I �have� to do.

I need a stronger dose of Zoloft, a cup of coffee, a nap�a hug�a nice long cry. I need an hr with my shrink and an hour to sit and pet my dog and I need someone to come clean my nasty ass bathroom, it�s about to grow a disease that�ll take over the world.

A walking trip? Hmm� a week away from everything and everybody�hmm. Who wants to take care of Chloe for a week? Maybe I'll have a maid come in and scrub my potty while I'm gone.

It's only going to get more stressful once my classes start. I want someone to worry about me and how I am. I want someone to care about how much I'm doing and how much energy it all takes. I know someone does, it's just hard not to feel like I'm the only one sometimes. I want to know why stupid bad things happen to the people I love. I want good things for them. I want to know why I always say the wrong things.

-PoeticaL