cluttering the net since 2001

blathering with a grin

Monday, Jun. 07, 2004
My son is in bed sleeping. Out like a light. I made him his favorite dinner (Hamburger Helper....yah kid's actually like that stuff better than a gourmet meal!) and we went swimming. Like most times he's first here he tells me horrific things about his life and I'm crushed and I wish things were different. I wish I wasn't so scared all the time.

I miss b.f. I miss him more than I thought I would. I thought it would be good for us to be away from each other for awhile. It probably has been good....who can really say?

I can only think about how my son is just feet away from me. I can hear his little sleepy noises right now and all in the world is good. I don't think I'll ever learn how to like the way things are. I can only ever hope to accept. I don't think God intends for it to all turn out this way.

It seems I can never quite have it all. Child is here. Calm and peaceful. And b.f. is somewhere else. And every conversation I have with my ex is a nightmarish horror film. I always end up coming to the realization that I'm wasting my time and I slam out one last retort that will get me nowhere and I slam the phone off and I wonder again why I engage in the stupidity. There's always this driving force of what is right and what is wrong. Right is to make sure my son knows he is loved and to pay attention to him but then the anger builds and I explode like a fat cloud scraping over a mountaintop.
11:12 p.m. ::
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