cluttering the net since 2001


Monday, Jun. 05, 2006
Oprah talks about a’ha moments and I can’t say I’ve ever had one of those. However, for years and years I thought I was not “good enough” and that if I just “did something well enough” then I might be loved “enough.”

Then I got to the point where no matter what I did in a certain relationship, I was lied to, eventually cheated on, etc. After that experience I decided “well fuck it..from here on out, I am who I am and I love who I am and hell with being perfect.” And then something amazing happened, I learned to love myself and be comfortable in my own skin.

I think as a larger woman I’ve always heard those insults from people. One person in particular thinks it’s quite fun to call me “fatty” and yet to me that’s a lame thing to say to a heavier person because it simply shows that you only see what’s on the outside. For me there are worse words people could call me. Hell to the no if you think I’m going to type out those words.

I digress a bit here to explain something. This past weekend was a nice one. Rick and I went to the movies to see, “The Break up”. And in that movie there’s this great scene where the man character is trying to make up with and win back the female character. During his speech, Rick grabbed my hand and squeezed it. This touched me in ways that I can’t even describe. For the first time in my life I feel connected to someone on so many more levels than I ever have before.

Last night his brother and his girlfriend yanked us up out of our house and we all went to Seminole’s Hard Rock Café Cascino. We had a great time. I won $100 but later lost $200. (I started with $100…and shoulda quit while I was ahead….*shrugs*) When we were leaving I noticed how cool the front of the building looked with the lights on at night. So I yanked out my camera and told Chrissy to take a picture of Rick and I together. When I got home I was excited and wanted to print the picture and bring it into work with me. So I downloaded the software from my photo printer onto my new laptop and printed away.

When I saw this photo the first thing I saw was love. The second thing I saw was my fat legs. The third thing was my stomach…then my boobs…then my arms!!! Yeeegawds…..it’s time to do something. I wanted to post this picture because I love my husband, I honestly love myself. I see this photo and realize that I’m not healthy and that’s scary. It’s not about being accepted anymore though. I’m very accepted and very loved exactly as I am. kristyk posted a very pretty picture of herself smiling today and was brave enough to admit her own fears. My fears are that I’ll never be as healthy as I could be. My fear is not that my fat ass matters to anyone in my life. The people that I love love me back tenfold. My husband, my son, my friends, my dog. They love me regardless. When I showed this picture to Rick he stated, “man I look weird” or some such thing. We are all our own worst critics in life. My aha moment came when I realized “he loves me….like this….it’s ok to get healthier…” I think it’s especially important to note that I’m smiling in this picture and I’m relaxed and happy….when I look at this photo so much has changed for me.

This morning I got up with resolve that I’m going to stay motivated and stay on track. I’m going to explore new ways to diet and exercise. I’m thinking about getting an exercise buddy. One of my bookclub members has a personal trainer. I think that might help me. I’ve been inspired by so many woman online who bare their souls and lives and struggles. (ms. Joyunexpected…you inspire me..) We are our own worst critics. I know that I am a beautiful girl….a beautiful person….I just want to end this battle with myself about how to love myself enough to put forth all the effort. I’m also going to go see a doctor about the PCOS once and for all and put away my fears and mental bars I have up over those issues.

To Rick I want to say…I love you….when I reach over to you and you’re always there…I love you….when you reach for my hand in the movie theater…I love you…when you took me suddenly to the bookstore this weekend and we sat for an hour in chairs both reading books, I realized that you are not the person I seem to always desperately want to make you, you are somebody so much better than I could ever wish for when I let go of my fears and just let you naturally be who you are….I’m so very lucky.

To kristyk….you’re an amazing and beautiful girl….look at your husband..how damn cool is he? He would NOT pick a lamo chick. Not! I adore you and think it’s especially lovely when you smile. For you and because of you and so many other women I am stepping up and being brave.

To my husband..the fact that you looked at that photo and did not see any of my so obvious physical flaws…you astound me and make me realize that I am worth every ounce of effort I have to give myself. This morning when you left for work it was like every other morning, I was already deep in thought about my upcoming day, etc. And then it turned out that you ended up in the work truck directly behind me….the smile on your face as you reached for your phone to call my cellphone while I watched you do it…..told me so very much. You were so happy to see me….and you had just left me…

I truly love you.

p.s. look how damn hot my husband is!!

8:32 a.m. ::
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