cluttering the net since 2001

Bucky in the sky with sunshine diamonds

Friday, Jan. 04, 2002

*sigh* I am “Buckyless”. I don’t know how I can stand this. He and I were sitting down at the airport waiting for his Daddy to get us each a drink from Starbucks and he looked at me with that cutie p’tutie grin and he said, “I love you Mommy”. Awwwwww that almost did it. I felt the tears trying to rip their way out of my eyes. I simple said, “I love you more!” He said, “I love you most” to which I squealed out very fast “I love you more than most…I win I win I win!!!” (A verbal exchange game we’ve been playing since he could comprehend …about age 4 ½)

He was loaded down with snacks and game boy advanced and that smiley face and he was all fidgety and full of energy. I told him I was gonna clean his room while he’s gone and he said, “That’s why I’m staying with Grammy & Pappy for 6 days so you can do a good “jobbie bobbie”. (jobbie bobbie is another long running mommy phrase!) He pulled out my work phone number scratched in his best 9 year old chicken scratch and told me “Don’t worry I have your number!”

The airport was pretty dead. I was surprised. And they ran him right through security. The last thing I saw was his back turning around the corner…I hope that image doesn’t haunt me for life. Right now as I type this he’s still on the plane I think. Security would only let one of us walk down the last gate runway with him and I let his Daddy go cause I knew that I would bawl like a baby. They took off walking and he ran back one last time to tell me “I’m coming back Mommy….I promise!”

That one line…it showed me that last years events had long lasting affect on him. He knows how scared I am and exactly why. And he’s not afraid, but he’s reassuring me. What a sweet child that god blessed me with. Thank you! Awwww I made it all this way and now I’m concealing a stray tear at work….damn…

I’m just so very proud of that kid.

While I waited for husband to come back so we could leave I read the latest copy of Spin and some asshole wrote the editor telling him that Kurt Cobain was a loser and was given too much credence in their last article or something to that affect. If someone out there has a copy of that Cobain article from last year can ya send me a copy (like maybe via fax)? Spanks! I’d like to read that sucker. But how could anyone say anything bad about Kurt Cobain. I doubt seriously he “offed” himself for fame after death rather he “offed” himself in my opinion because of fame in life. He woulda maybe “offed” himself famous or not famous but to disregard his talent? Fuck that idiot who said that. I would name that bastard but the magazines lying in the back of my vehicle. I think Kurt paved a path for a change in genre for music. I think he’s the male equivalency to Ani. But that’s just my humble opinion.

I also bought a copy of Oprah’s latest magazine. Outside of the book section what a load of total fucking hooey! Blah blah blah blah! There was however an article in there about truth and honesty with a giant picture of Pinocchio with a giant lying ass nose. Yipes! I turned that page quickly and then I thought I might just cut that fucker out and tack it to my bulletin board to remind myself how shitty lying made me feel. Or maybe I should buy myself a stuffed Pinocchio or something to remind myself not to lie.
Ie: “no I don’t have a diary…I don’t I don’t” Fuck!!!!! I hate this!

I’m really gonna miss that kid! I do already… When husband and I drove back from the airport and he told me “I know that was a very hard thing for you to do…thank you for letting my parents spend time with him…I appreciate it.” I said “you owe me big!” After all Bucky just went to see the same two people that lied to me last year about his whereabouts. I don’t want to harbor a grudge or anything but you know what??? Fuck them. I didn’t allow this action for anyone’s benefit but Buckys. He loves them. I’ll suffer with worry to see him happy. It’ll be hazy without that little sunshine. And it should prove to be interesting to see what stuff flies when we have the freedom to speak to each other without our son’s presence. Scary thought….

Added on @ 11:24 a.m.
Just got an email from “him” that started…

"I wonder if you’re at work. By now your son is in the sky on his way to PA. I know you’ll miss him……"

I really appreciate his support.

“You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away..."
10:50 a.m. ::
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