camping with memory
Thursday, Jan. 17, 2002
�don�t miss last nights entry �coffin��if you want a laugh!�
When I was 14 I met a boy named Frank at a campground in the woods of PA. He followed me around until I finally spoke to him. I remember not saying a word to him for an entire day even though he was walking after me. He was the sweetest boy I ever saw. He had a big smile and was shy enough to be endearing and outspoken enough to shock me. He had reddish brown hair and big blue eyes. I was on vacation with my Aunt and Uncle who were far more liberal than my own parents ever were and they thought the entire thing was cute and allowed it to explode into my �first� puppy love.
Frank and I sat around the firelight every night. I remember one night we looked at a magazine together and he kept rubbing my thighs under the magazine and I could hardly contain myself. It was the first time I ever felt those sexual urges and I just thought I died and went to heaven. I can still close my eyes and smell the wood burning and feel the weight of the stars on my hair. That boy did something to me that no one else ever has. He touched me without doing more than looking into my eyes and smiling.
We spent a week together every night talking and giggling. I remember one bright morning waking up to the smells of bacon and eggs throughout the campground and the first thing I saw as I walked out of the tent that morning was Frank standing there holding a handful of weeds with long dirty roots. He smiled at me and said something to the effect of �did you know that there are no flowers here?� and handed me a handful of weeds with a grin.
When the week was over, I cried like a baby. I didn�t want it to end. He lived 35 miles from where I lived. When you�re 14 and the boy you are enamored with lives 35 miles away and doesn�t have a car. He might as well live in China. For the next year and a half he would call me on the phone. My parents weren�t very happy about this so-called derelict calling me at all hours of the day and night. I remember how I would sit in my closet and listen to his voice for hours just wanting to be with him. How he would sing to me over the phone�all those 80�s songs. I still can�t hear Prince sing �dig if you will a picture of you and I engaged in a kiss� without thinking about Frank. Oh and the agony to this day when I hear John Waite trip on those words� �I ain�t missin� you�I ain�t missin� you at all�. It always reminds me of that feeling. Teenage angst/love.
We did manage to see each other a few times during that time. All of which rank high in my memory bank as good moments. One day a year and a half later while speaking to Frank on the phone I got the bright or not so bright idea that the solution to all of this angst and all of the tears from wanting something that wasn�t so easily had would be easily solved by saying goodbye. Goodbye = instant solution. Right? Wrong!!!
I remember telling him �I think if I�ve ever loved anyone in my lifetime then I have loved you, but the distance (we�re talking 35 miles..lol) is too hard to deal with. �This is all too hard.� I sobbed into the phone. I�ll never forget what he said. �Sometimes once you jump off the cliff of love you can�t ever pull the rip chord.� I remember stuttering out �what??? What are you talking about?� He said, �You will hit the ground at a thousand miles an hour whether you choose to love in between the jump and the ground�so why not make the flight worth the crash?� I said goodbye to him. The crash came quickly after I hung up that phone. I called him back and said �I�m sorry�I didn�t mean it�can�t we go back and forget we had this conversation?� He said, �I can�t, you chose to not believe in it despite the hurdles.�
When I was 19 Frank somehow found out where I worked. He came walking in one day. I remember we went to a local jubilee and he bought me cotton candy and I got this funny colored walking stick that he kept . I asked him if we could date. If I could get to know him all over again. He told me he was moving to Colorado to take a job working for family. I heard from him a few years later�I still wonder how he is.
I still remember that crash and how I never really let myself truly enjoy the free fall of it all because I was so worried about missing him all the time.
So why do I keep thinking the answer to all this angst with him is to say goodbye? And why did I get the bright idea to try to find Frank again? Geez�
-PoeticaL
And there's a heart that's breaking
Down this long distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all
-john waite
I don't understand it
I can't keep my mind off loving you
Ooo, now baby, I'm caught up in the magic I see in you
There's one thing to do
I can dream about you
If I can't hold you tonight
-Dan Hartman
Dig if you will the picture
Of you and I engaged in a kiss
The sweat of your body covers me
Can you my darling
Can you picture this?
-Prince
