cluttering the net since 2001

can I get some cheese with that whine?

Wednesday, Apr. 17, 2002
I am having withdrawal symptoms so this entry is hugely long….

I heard these lyrics in one of those rap songs they insist that I be subjected to at work.

Does he ease your mind or does he break your stride?”

This line made me really stop and think about someone. And something. This question is the question to ask yourself about anyone in your life. And especially whomever you chose to be with. Ease your mind or break your stride? I have to say that right now in my life……there are few people that “ease my mind”. The list is short.

And BraN would if I just let him…but for some fucked up reason I can’t…

its stupid really
last time I told him that me and husband were together he sorta disappeared
when husband bailed out on me Nov 2000
BraN was there every single day
he and I got really close
then husband came back
BraN split out
and I missed him like madly
and I feel like right now he's sending me emails and calling me leaving me messages
and as soon as I tell him...
he'll split out
and I won't hear from him
and so I"m putting off the inevitable
cause I don't want to lie to anyone anymore
so I'm avoiding the truth now
instead of lying to keep him around
it all sucks...

Then Dan tells me…. ”I personally don't think you are weak for going back but that is my opinion. Don't let anyone including me make you feel guilty for what you decide including me. You know I will support you for what ever you decide. I care for you a lot and want to see you happy. You are my closet friend and I will always be there for you.

and he wonders if I’m mad at him. He’s someone I hold so dear in my heart. He never bails, even when I’m a psycho….mad? I’m mad about him…not mad at him. I do nice things for him and he still can’t figure out how I feel towards him? I don’t know what I do wrong ….*sigh*

I want that one person in my life that makes me feel like a better person just for having him in my life. I “did” feel like a better person…like a person on the right path….when he was “in” my life on a daily basis. Now he’s mostly gone and I hear the echo screaming back at me. And I am having a difficult time easing my mind.

Voice mail I got this afternoon….

12:21 p.m.

heyyyyyyyyyyyy krissssssssssssty
It’s your bestest bestest friend from EnguRRRland.
I think you’ve forgotten about me. So send me an email
When you can. Ok? *pause* speak soon. Bye

Then I got this…in my poetical account that he *never* uses!

From: BrandoN
To: poeticalgirl@hotmail.com
Subject: miss ya
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 17:38:19 +0100

Miss ya.. write soon ! K?


And you would think that I could address him. You would think but so far I haven’t. I wrote him a letter. On paper. I am going to mail it. What a coward I am.

I wrote this poem today….

when silence sounds prettier than reality so harsh
I will play beautiful tunes
On non-existent violins
To be left wondering
Is far more
Than my being less
Enamoured by you
So I am selfish
Ugly ugliness
Selfish? NO!

it can’t be true
not with you

come back
sit down
while I st-st-stammer
I f-f-f-fucked up
and I just don’t want
to be a fuck-up, that can’t be true
wait – I fucked up

with you

and I wrote this one….today…

I can write a thousand times
About the fault lines
Mazing through my soul
I can hopscotch around the
Brutality that rips me –
Keeps me from being whole
I’ve played these games
Memorized all the rules
Fingered imaginary gold medals
And pretended I owned a pretty smile
That was only painted for a fool
I’ve unfrayed all the blue lines
From notebooks sewn without a spine
I’ve cryed myself to sleep at night
Mentally committed and I’ve never done any crime
I’ve wiped these dirty words of love
Out of my eyes and off my well worn feet
I turn around in circles
And end up right back on this broken street
Call me a cab
That I can pay for with heartache
Counting messy bills laid out neat
He’ll take me anywhere I want to go
“Yeah babie lets go right down to anywhere street”
I know its a sure bet because men lie …they don’t fake
They just fuck up, cheat and take

yeah I know that’s one I hate men sorta piece….haaaaaaaaa…whatever..I’m
not bitter or angry…..just have to write what’s there hiding in my ink.

Ok now I’ve successfully whined about everything…

One last thing…run to the store and buy Josh Rouse’s CD “Under Cold Blue Stars”. Josh sounds just like Paul Westerberg sometimes….just like him. Eeerie.


Sat in the kitchen with an asthma cigarette, out the window with an inch of regret…it's a grey world…
-Josh Rouse
9:48 p.m. ::
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