PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

christmas aftermath

Wednesday, Dec. 27, 2006
There appears to be some unrest in the ranks of my three readers this afternoon as they worry about me. (ha…I kid….I have 4 readers I think…ok ok so maybe 3 after my large inactivity here)

I had a decent Christmas but Christmas Day was rather uneventful. I made ham for dinner and that was the biggest event of the day. After months of nonstop school and work it’s nice to just lay on the couch and stare mindlessly at the TV doing nothing with my mind.

I’ve been drinking egg nog, pumpkin spice coffee and reading halfway through the first few chapters of several different books finding nowhere to grab onto. I’ve been staring mindlessly at the sky wondering if I should just shower and get dressed.

Time is the enemy for me. Too little and I stress and get grumpy. Too much and I get depressive, lonely and introspective. The latter things are good in some sense because they make me want to grab pens and write poetry and go deep where I like to hide at those moments.

I end up listening to music, drinking coffee until the caffeine strangles my harshest feelings into numb. I am this week treeless, thoughtful, feeling-less. I am distraught and then found. I am back and forth and all over the road.

I should be studying Math, grasping why letters are marching with numbers to illogical places. I am not…because I am not forced to care just yet.

I’ve logged on to old spaces and talked to “him” today like we used to do always and it’s rather sad in a strange way. We’ve flipped places in the last several years and he’s in a relationship whereby he’s being cheated on. And there’s faith in these conversations for me because I know that even “he” puts up with it. It’s that age old process of being left, mistreated, lied to….and you…you can’t grasp that it’s happening so you lie to yourself that it will get better, go away…dissipate. All because you cannot imagine rebuilding, re-wanting, re-desiring a new love again. All that work of finding it….feeding it…believing just to find it unraveling and unyielding to mistake and misfortune…why begin anew? So you accept what is as what is meant to be in some sad hands thrown up in disgust way. And that is where he is and I feel for “him” in ways I cannot explain to those that did not walk mind in mind with me through my former marriages own demise. Divorce is that dirty word that stays in your personal dictionary for life.

“He” and I have been friends all throughout these years. I met him way back way back when….when I was where he is now. And this trading of life places is not pleasant in any way. We have maintained our friendship because I quite frankly do not believe that life often gifts you with someone you can be friends with so easily. We have maintained our friendship….because sometimes it just happens with ease and without forethought. But lately….lately I’ve been so sad for “him” and so at the same time amazed that he is so willing to put up with the cheating because he simply sees it all as a means to an end and easier to endure than to end. And yet….this year…for Christmas he gave her a case of paper. I see this as a most impersonal gift…..sad.

Rick has been sick, sloppy sick. The kind of gross coughing and hacking sick. It’s ok though because he’s gaining back normalcy in baby steps. He’s working this week while I’m schlepping around in the same pair of shorts and t-shirt for days. Wondering if and when I should shower or bathe. I’m in a place where it doesn’t feel that it matters.

My son bought me two books and I have read them both already.

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I asked for these books…..I asked for one or the other and he spoiled me with both because he rocks like that. I also got a necklace…a sterling silver diamond encrusted heart hanging from a thin chain. I can’t find a picture of it because most likely it’s sold out.

I somehow without trying successfully avoided all in-laws, outlaws and laws altogether this year. I even avoided the decorating, cookies, etc. etc. The eggnog was good and yes...yes Virginia I drank a pint all by myself!

And if you're wondering....the man assisted in buying me a new laptop and he also gifted me my Christmas gift back in November when he bought the expensive Sony E-book reader...which I still love!

Today I checked my work email and the very people that approved my vacation don’t seem to recall that I am on vacation this week. Now that’s hilarious to me. And on that note….I’m out.

3:41 p.m. ::
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