I'm completely fucked...

I whine that I want someone to be there for me.
I say that I need to know someone in my life won�t bail on me.
I claim to want someone that won�t cheat on me.
I wish for someone that thinks the world of me.
I want for someone that can�t possibly lie to me.
I crave someone who�s unable to hurt me.

So then why am I not madly in love with this guy who comes along and is all of these things? Why am I disinterested when he calls me? Why do I feel unable to breathe when he tries to pinpoint future plans of being with me?

And worse yet, why am I falling for a guy that claims he couldn�t call me back because he was on jury duty and he couldn�t talk to me on yahoo because his computer doesn�t work but he was logged in for hours, a guy that tells me I�m not the only one. Why do I think about the way his face changes when he smiles? Why do I remember his cologne scent when I�m driving to work?

Why can�t we just tell our hearts who is good for us? Why is it all so random?

Worse yet, when someone else wants to be close to me, why do I immediately run to husband and want him to hold me. And I know he won�t. I know he�ll look at me with contempt. And I do it anyways. I think I�m co-dependent on him. He�s the only connection I�ve had for 11 years. The only family. The only person.

Even more alarming, the only man that really makes me feel like everything could be the way it�s intended to be is 7,000+ miles away and is mostly M.I.A. lately. And so I torture myself with something I can never have.

Something I can never have �is well known. I�m so used to that feeling that I seek it? Look for it? Embrace it?

And he�s right there doing everything to be with me. And I�m running.

I�m completely fucked.

PoeticaL