PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

c.o.n.f.u.s.e.d.

Tuesday, Apr. 02, 2002
There’s so much going on and nothing going on and yesterday’s entry was funny! Teehee… Yeah I had ya goin’. I think my readership is down, at least everyone keeps telling me that. And I couldn’t really give a rat’s ass about it. I never started this diary for fans to crowd around and eat fondue and comment about my life. I did it so that I could write. Yeah just write. I love to write.

I’m almost all moved. I’m moved into the new house. (pics will be posted…soon as I find my rechargeable battery for my digital camera! If you know where it is…let me know…) The old house has been sold. We have until April 10th to clear it out. After filing for bankruptcy (that was never completed) and going through everything we have to keep that house, we have sold it and are making $2,000 on the sell of said house. Keep in mind that in the last 2 ½ years we’ve probably only made a total of 4 mortgage payments. So to be making a profit now..is pretty amazing. There are a few bills that need to be taken care of, but if we took the 2K and paid bills, we’d be back on top of things and still have money left.

I’ve wanted to mention that we had this kick-ass refrigerator in our old house that we bought ourselves for around a thousand bucks. We really thought we were gonna take said fridge until we leased the house we’re in now and found amazingly that they have the same refrigerator. The same one! What luck! But wouldn’t you know it…the fridge makes this horrible noise when it turns on or something. How irritating! Grrr…. But…I just get up and close the bedroom door…and all is well again.

Husband and I have been getting along really well considering all the shit we could be fighting about. We’re just not. I think we both have realized that what we have is a nice thing and why keep fucking it all up with shit. Yeah we can always and forever come up with some sore topic to speak about to fight….but whY? I do ramble quite frequently about his recent discretions with Mrs. Cleaver and I do mention quite often the fact that our neighbors where we are now are both so old he’d have to remove depends to cheat on me again. I know…sick!

“Bucky” is quite the little happy camper. He comes up with all sorts of things for us to do as a “family”. And he’s covered in clothes full of smiles 24/7. He’s thrilled. He also loves that he can watch Nickelodeon as loud as he wants in his own “sunroom”. Yup…he’s allowed to do anything he wants in that room and he likes it. By the way, Nikki and Webster are relegated to the sunroom and utility/laundry room and they like it until they see us on the other side of the patio door leading to the sunroom and then it all changes. They look so pathetically sad with their doggie noses pressed up against the glass…. awwwww

Ok I read an entire book in about 2 days in between all this moving and other stuff. The book was "good in bed" by Jennifer Weiner...really good fluffy kinda book. I love to read. And we have this kick ass deep Jacuzzi bathtub in this new house. It’s really deep and the Jacuzzi jets are way soothing. I love that bathtub. Husband keeps telling me that I gotta pay the water bill if I keep this up… oops…

Ok..here’s the groan part of my entry…ready? I talked to "him" twice over the weekend. I called him on Easter (the 2nd time I spoke to him) to wish him a Happy Easter. I couldn’t help myself. The thing is I have no family and I miss that entire aspect of life on Easter. On holidays in general. "He" can relate because his family is pretty slim and his mom is in North Dakota and so he gets it. I don’t have to explain anything to him like I do other people. I called him and we talked. He still doesn’t know I moved back with husband. I know he sees it as a huge failure because he knows every horrible thing my husband did to me and he flat out said, “if you go back to him you’re a pathetic loser”.

Some days I feel exactly like that. How could I forgive so much that my husband did? What’s wrong with me? Why do I chose to do it? In five minutes of talking to "him" I felt really stupid and just wanted to cry. I made up some excuse that I had to go and I hung up. Maybe it bothered me because he’s right. Maybe it bothered me because for so long I sought his acceptance because I kept thinking he had his shit together. Maybe he just confuses the issue.

I know that on Saturday night when we were all curled up as a family watching movies on the DVD player it all felt serene and right. There’s just that one nagging doubt in the back of my brain somewhere.

In all honesty the one guy that cares about me and I never doubt …..is in Arizona with a dog-eared card I sent him for Christmas. That guy… well… argh… it’s hard to explain..but in another world…we were meant to be. I know I never doubt that he cares about me.

-PoeticaL
8:58 a.m. ::
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