cluttering the net since 2001


Friday, Feb. 15, 2002
I just got off the phone with Marty. He wanted to call me, so I let him. We talked for about an hour. It was one of the nicest conversations I’ve had with anyone in a long long time. He told me his mother died when he was ten. He told me he knows what it’s like to just want a mom to be there and yet you don’t have one.

I told him the “sob” story of what’s been going on in my life. I asked him not to pity me prior to me telling him. He promised that he wouldn’t go that route. After I told him he said, “I admire you for your perseverance and your strong notion to still want to believe in people.” He admires me rather than pities me? That’s so beautiful to me that I’m wiping my tears right now. I told him the truth about everything and it was just plain “ok”. And so maybe all my tears all day over Valentines was all worth it because in the end….there was understanding. And a shoulder. Three times he asked me if I was crying and I said no each time because I wasn’t. Then he said “well if you ever just need to cry….its ok I wouldn’t bail.”

Amazing how a virtual stranger can say the right thing to me. He told me that he was gonna go buy a guitar this month….that I gave him his love for music back by being so excited to hear him play his friends guitar.

Sometimes….like right now…when I know I’ve connected with someone….life feels beautiful despite all of my scars. Despite all of the times that I felt so rejected and neglected by others I have tried to love.

Wilted roses can’t ruin a lifetime of beautiful petals that await me one day. Marty said, “my dad has horses and things…..it would be cool if you came here someday….just to get away….just to have a friend.” Something tells me that Marty and I are gonna be friends…that Marty and I “are” already friends. I don’t want to love anyone…I want to know that I can lean on my friends until I’m strong enough to stand on my own. That’s all I want. Marty buys books that he said he “never even reads!” He said he loves words, loves books. He said he loves music, lyrics….he said he’s happiest when he lays down $50 at Barnes and Noble. (sound like anyone else I know?)

And as for “him”. I truly believe that he’s a wonderful person that just isn’t ever going to be what I want him to be for me. I’m just going to keep trying to make that puzzle piece fit because I fell in love. I think his little world of success and money and ambition needs to be silent without me….he needs to miss me or forget me. One or the other needs to happen. I think he will simply forget while I miss. So it will probably just be.

Marty told me he’d let me know when he gets to Louisiana, going to see his brother…. He said, “I’ll drop you a few lines so you know I made it ok.” Consideration from day one….

Thank you big guy up there in the sky….for sending Marty….a motherless boy….to just tell me that he understands why today was so bad and why I’m holding myself together with a wish. A wish for something more….


I've tried to wash from memory
feelings of betrayal and the incidents
that plague me since I lost my sense
of innocence

A history of changes now I'm loving
now I'm losing keeps me constantly
in fear of hearing "I can't see where
this is going"

You lie alone with the memory
feeling the ceiling and walls closing
in on
Your Conscience -- my ally
the guilt -- your affliction
from preying on praise as you fed
an attention addiction

-Dream Theater (martys favorite band!)
2:02 a.m. ::
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