PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

I'm such a coward

Monday, Jun. 17, 2002
I faxed him this letter before I chickened outÖ.Iím now just numb.

Brad,

You are my best friend. I want to tell you that first. I canít imagine my life without you in it. But there are things going on in my life that have brought me to this decision. And while this is a cowards way to go about this, it is the only way I can. I just canít ever bring myself to do it when I hear your voice or am present to see your reaction. I canít ever bring myself to do something that I donít truly want in my heart, but only believe to be the right thing to do.

Itís the most difficult thing Iíve ever known I had to do. I have done things. Wrong things. Things that I canít ever figure out a way to rectify or fix. And I have come to the strong realization that sometimes you have to put aside what you want when you have done wrong things along the way like I have. Sometimes you do too many things wrong to ever see a way to make a clear path again.

I have avoided this because you are such a big part of who I am somehow. You are the only person I confide my deepest of feelings in. You are in some ways, everything to me. And everything is so messed up in my life that I just canít stand trying to find a way to make things right when I see no answers in my near future.

Last night during half of the conversation online, listening to you singÖI realized how much you are in my heart. How much I truly just care for you as a person. I want nothing more in life than for you to obtain everything you seek, now and always. I just donít think I have the right to be a part of your life in any way, shape or form.

There are too many things I just stopped talking to you about. In my mind, you told me to forget about you and I was trying desparately to accept that and I made decisions based on those words, based on the problems I was having and trying to solve. I am in some ways very far on my path of goals, in other ways I have taken a thousand steps back.

My current situation is something I havenít clearly discussed with you, and I just donít know that I see any point in it. I know this will incite you to come after me and ask me a thousand questions. Perhaps you should consider that what I am doing just might be in your best interest. I am not the selfish girl you think I am.

I see myself as this girl with a million problems. Problems that are the result of a few bad decisions many years ago. But either way, they are my problems and you shouldnít have to deal with them. A few months ago, I was on the right path. You bailed, I fell apart. I hate to admit that to myself or to you, but thatís exactly what happened. I had everything going right, til that one day. I can look back and see how it all spiraled apart.

Maybe I placed too much of my plans on you. On your thoughts, your advice. I know I was completely lost without it. I canít be lost without someone. I have to be strong alone. I have to figure out whatís best without you.

I think you have an idea in your head of what you want in your life. I donít feel that I fit that idea in any way shape or form. You told me that to have a friend is not a bad thing and I agree. Youíre the best friend Iíve ever truly had. But my feelings are not of the friendship nature, so in some ways itís emotional torture trying to be nothing more than your friend. Itís difficult to hear about your life sometimes, particularly when I hear about other women. Iím not the jealous type, itís just difficult. Itís not impossible and itís not the reason for this letter.

I would like to remember last night and think of you with a smile. I admire you and think so highly of you that it blows me away sometimes. I have tried to point out all of your shortcomings to myself along the way so that I might get a grasp on my feelings. That never happens. I think I am coming close, but it doesnít happen.

As far as things I havenít shared in the last 3 months. They are too confusing to ever explain without it all appearing that I just set out to mislead you. I didnít, I just was struggling with my own demons, my own responsibilities and my own life, alone. Iíd like to add that I never had my life any more straightened out than when you were right there for me. You made a huge huge difference in my life. I canít even begin to describe my feelingsÖ

I can only imagine how happy I would be just to hang out with you everyday and laugh and be goofy. It would surely have to be blissful. I have never spent any time around anyone else that was ever the way it is when you and I talk.

Iíve just made a big huge mess of my life, and I donít want you to be any part of that. Itís not that youíve done anything wrong, but I have to say goodbye to you. I just have to. Itís the only thing I can see to resolve anything. I canít take the things Iíve done and undo them, I messed up when you werenít there. And itís going to take time to fix things. Time that you shouldnít have to be a part of. Problems that you shouldnít have to know about anymore.

Go on with your life and always know that thereís a girl somewhere that thinks of you constantly, and sheíll remember you forver. Please donít try to contact me because for me to even try to explain it is impossible. I have sat in silence unable to speak to you too many times. I have fielded your questions while whinseing and holding back a million tears.

Itís best this way. Let me remember you with a smile. Good luck with everything in your life. Please donít come asking me, because I canít even being to explain. And even if I found a way, it wouldnít be a good thing anyways. I messed up and I canít fix it. I canít undo it, and neither can you.

You came asking to come see me, you were 3 months too late. Thatís so heartbreaking for me. I think that will hurt endlessly. It was what I always wanted, butÖyou told me goodbye one too many times. That time I actually believed you. My biggest mistake. Rejection, that feelingÖit makes me do the wrong thing. It made me mess everything up. And now itís best this way, to say goodbye.

Be safe, youíll always be in my prayersÖ

I love you. Iím sorry.

Kristy
2:30 p.m. ::
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