cluttering the net since 2001

i feel cracked open wide

Tuesday, Jun. 29, 2004
My disappointment in you is so mass. I could cut it into large pieces, put candles on each piece and serve it with a happy song to a prison full of harsh and violent criminals wearing party hats and there still would be no joy found in that act. I have never felt so mush disappointment in one moment.

All of the things you said, they are things I’ve wanted all of my life. When I was 13 years old I asked the sky for one thing. One thing. Everlasting love. I wanted someone to cry they loved me so much. I forgot to ask for everything else that should come along with true love.

Now every time you leave, I will doubt that you will be safe. I will wonder. I will be tortured within about what you’re doing and where you are. You are right, there is no worse thing that loving someone and not knowing where they are. Not knowing they are safe. Not knowing that they care enough about themselves to want to stay safe.

The relief I felt when I hugged you was mixed up with anger and disappointment and every emotion under the sun. I thank you for loving me like you do, but why why why in God’s name did it have to be all mixed up with all the rest of those emotions?

I saw every side of you last night and I’m trying hard to decipher it all this morning. My head feels as though it’s been hit with a bullet of destruction. My heart aches for you to feel loved. Loved enough to need nothing…to want for nothing…to seek nothing but me.

You told me that the first night you saw me you thought to yourself, “now this is a girl…a girl with those eyes could love me..she could love me” And that will stay with me all of my life.

I’m just terrified of what happened happening again…

10:28 a.m. ::
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