PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

crying....

Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2002
My parents disowned me at age 20 with little to no excuse or reason.

I didn’t talk to my family for 7 years.

I reconciled with my father and 2 years later after sclerosis of the liver ….

My father passed away in June of 2000.

What little family I have left barely speaks to me.

My husband left me for another woman in November of 2000…taking my son with him after telling me he was going for hamburgers.

Incidentally this was on the week of my son’s 8th birthday and Thanksgiving.

I gave up a job I totally loved because all they could do was gossip about husband having left.

I had to file for bankruptcy in order to save my home and because I didn’t have the money to move with.

Husband came back after 21 days of shacking up in a one bedroom hellhole with her and my son full of promises to work things out with me. I forgave him like a fool.

I caught him plenty of times hiding behind bushes talking to her on his cell phone.

For Christmas of 2000 she bought him a watch engraved with “I will love you for all time…love Christmas”

He wore it constantly and around me without a care.

Husband’s girlfriend flew to my town from 1100 miles away and sat and watched TV and ate Oreos in my living room in my absence while telling my neighbors she was my sister and no one else was home.

Husband slept with her on a Friday night then on Saturday night then with me on Sunday night and then told me he was with her on Friday and Saturday on Monday night.

I found my long lost jewelry at a pawnshop that husband took me to looking to buy a Walkman for cheap. (Husband being the only person that could have pawned it, then he actually denied that personal jewelry was even mine!)

My car was repossessed 3 times in the year 2001 due to him not having a job. Bob is a nice Repo man by the way.

He got fired from his job because he was too busy fucking his girlfriend for 3 days, (instead of going to work to provide for his child)a girlfriend who incidentally calls herself Christmas.

I watched my son open Christmas presents on Christmas of 2000 that Christmas sent because we simply didn’t have the money to buy him anything. I allowed this painful thing to take place because I wanted my son to have a Christmas.

In the last year he has changed, but not nearly enough. I will never get past this shit. Never.

If not for my friend Dan….Bucky…..if not for “him” I would be fucking dead or crazy. I love him because he was there through all of these things. Through my struggling through this stuff. Through all the pain and anquish of it all. He’s believed in me and encouraged me and stuck by me time and time again. And it means the world to me.

So if you think you know me because you read my diary…guess again! Now maybe you have a clue. And if you’re shocked or full of sympathy….save it. Tell me how the fuck to get past this all and believe in love ever again. Tell me how to be happy. I have misery down pat. Tell me how to get past my fear and move the fuck out on little to no money and have the life I want.

Fuck…now I’m crying!!!! But I think I needed to do that. Maybe tomorrow I can concentrate on the good stuff.

Oh and don’t let me forget….this woman was his ex-girlfriend from 13 years ago and she was present at our very own wedding. For 10 years I cheerfully handed him the phone when she called because after-all I was the understanding wife!

1:49 p.m. ::
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