cluttering the net since 2001

my heart aches when you are hurting

Saturday, Dec. 11, 2004
When I think about you...when often I am reminded…I have a million images pop into my mind. The day I was standing at a payphone crying my eyes out and the only person in my life that cared…YOU. The day he wanted to bring my son to my workplace for me to say goodbye to him seemingly forever so he could move to New York…emailing you that day from a job I hated….wiping tears, leaning down towards the desk so that no one could see and yet pouring it all out into my words to you, because the only person I had the only person I could truly and openly and with full honesty tell…YOU. So many pivotal moments and places in my life….there was only YOU…the one piece of work, the one poem that truly saved my life….penned by you. I remember so many years ago reading your words and wondering what events had led up to your ability to express and write the way that you do. It amazed me and it still does. It’s a gift…one that I do not have..not as you do. I remember endless days at jobs I hated, penning back and forth montages of words and laughing inside and finding joy when there was no light in my life. You …you were so often the only flicker of the world being something good. You are the person that led me when I was lost…simply because I knew you cared. If someone cares then I must care for myself for I cannot let them down. I have these montages of images and thoughts and it’s impossible for me to ever put any of it into words. Impossible for anyone to ever understand. I speak of you almost never, for who would understand? You are a shadow…a myth, perhaps an Urban Legend and yet I know just how very real you are. I pulled back from our friendship because you pulled back. I can’t speak to you, because it’s something you chose to delete from ability on your end. I accepted and I tried oh man how I tried to just move on and forget about you. I didn’t do it because I wanted to but rather because I thought it was for the best. You moved with your family and I hoped for the best. I hoped that your life would move into something happier and better for you. I crossed my fingers and I hoped to die that I’d never hear bad news from you again. Why? Because as always the essence of you…amazes me. There’s a bond and no amount of time and/or trying will probably ever take that away. Because you saved me, you moved me from self hate and self doubt into believing that someone would and could love me again. Oh how right then you were, for now it has come to pass. You asking ME to think about you? I try hard not to. Simply put. I try and yet this is yet another thing I am never successful in. I don’t write much poetics anymore….oh I know the places you go to and when I do go and you’re fingerprints are not there I worry I wonder and yet I try…try try try not to have it matter. But…again it still does. I have no words because sometimes there are no words. If I could write the emotions and feelings I have for and about you and do so adequately the alphabet could then cease to exist. I wish I could ease your pain, I wish I could plug my heart into her chest, because then and only because then I would know that you would be loved like you deserve. Am I in love with you, no. You are as I’ve always said, simply and best put..my ink. In the end…there’s little I can do. So very little. I can hope, I can pray, I can beg the world to pour sunshine in huge amounts into your soul….those are the things I can do and even when on your end there is only silence…trust me when I say your name frequents the dance halls of my mind louder than the sound of violence...as always...

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