PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

the darkest numb

Tuesday, Jan. 22, 2002

I got up the courage and strength to really spell things out to the husband today on the phone. My words…

“I have to tell you...I don’t think things are going to work out. I’m not happy and I have feelings for someone else, I shouldn’t have feelings for someone else, and the fact that I do tells me…”

He said, “let me call you back on my cellphone”.

He does…and I repeat the same thing… and add, “I just feel trapped…I want to move out and I don’t have the money and it just all makes me feel trapped…I have feelings for someone else which isn’t fair to you ….I have feelings…..and want to be able to pursue that..”

He said, “Do you think you just don’t have the ability to afford to move out or the ability to make it on your on?”

I said, “to move out mostly…I don’t know. I’m not sure”.

He said, “we’ll talk tonight.”

So then I put the phone down and have a thousand mixed feelings…and I just want the floor to open up and suck me in. And then I just go numb and I’m wondering why I’m not crying or upset about the end of a ten year marriage. Why I almost feel calm. I know that it was right. I’m just terrified of all of the unknowns.

And then my work phone rings….and I answer it and its him saying in an excited voice “I got it I got it I got it” in reference to his pc cam. He was all excited and just to hear that happiness oozing down my phone line…..it was like in one flat moment I knew I was doing the right thing. I told him what just went down and how husband said “why can’t we work things out..because of him?” And “him” laughed. “Him” said, “doesn’t he understand I woulda never got close to you if he was doing right by you….does he forget so fast what it was that he did?”

I am not leaving my husband for “him.” I’m leaving because “he” gave me the strength to believe in myself enough to want more. Enough to believe there could be more. He was the person that drug me out of the deep depression I fell into and he stuck by me and taught me that I was worth so much more than I ever thought of myself.

If I get to do nothing more than walk off of a plane one day and hug him and thank him...I’ll still be the luckiest girl alive to have had him in my life. Sure if I lose him, I’ll be in a dark place crying for a long long time…..but lets not think about that.

I skipped Bernie last week; he’s the most persistent man I’ve ever met. He called me 3 times in the middle of all these phone calls to pin me down to a new appointment. Insane. And I took it…that’s the most insane thing of all. I don’t know about this whole therapy thing. It’s like I told Bernie… “tell me how to financially make it on my own...and we’ll be in good shape!” He just laughed…. *sigh*

“By the way, I ate raw vegetables for lunch…I basically bought a veggie sub from subway and paid for extra cheese and threw the bread away….and I just drank 60 oz’s of water. I’m thankfully too distraught to be hungry…”

-PoeticaL


“it is always darkest just before dawn” – unknown
3:31 p.m. ::
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