cluttering the net since 2001

dear friend

Tuesday, Aug. 20, 2002
Dear You,

You canít make a person care for you, cherish you or love you. You canít mold someone into being what you wish they were. You canít patch up what they lack. You canít ask them to be more for you than they are willing to just be. You canít color over bad shades of their god given personality, they are a picture that just is and canít be rearranged. You canít ask a person to bend and retry to be the person that you just wish they could somehow be. If they were that person, they would already ďbeĒ that person. You canít ask someone to give of themselves, if you ask and they comply, did they truly give of themselves? You canít dream about joined hopes if you are hoping all alone. You canít embrace today if your arms are constantly empty from yesterdayís hollowness.

Love isnít always fixable. It isnít a flat tire that you can re-inflate. Lies arenít forgivable no matter how many times you say ďits ok.Ē Some damages are permanent and never can just erase. Some missing aspects of a relationship will never find a replace. Some wishes are dreams and you never seem to be awake. Some acceptances hurt so deep inside that we just deny the truth and accept the ache.

We pretend we are happy hoping the happiness will believe our lie. We choke on the tears and pretend that theyíre fake. We wonder how we got this far and we canít believe that weíve made such a big mistake. But pretending and lying and dreaming without release grows thin. One day we must face the mess that we are in.

Love isnít supposed to be asked for. Cried for or begged for. Love is supposed to just be.

I understand you because I am you. I have felt the way you do on a thousand nights writing a thousand words. Your pain is something I am familiar to. Something I have often heard. There are no easy answers but there is the truth. You deserve to feel special, to be held and heard. You deserve to have your thoughts read, digested and savored for each word. You deserve someone that wants to wrap their arms around you, hold you throughout the night, make love to you in the morning and call you in the afternoon to tell you their body misses yours. You want those things and you have every right to them.

I have pretended. Pretended and lied to myself. I have tried to force an emotion that just keeps hiding from itself. Love isnít something you can just lie into being ok again. Iím sorry, believe me. Iím so sorry you know how I feel, because I would love better for youÖmy friend.

I just want you to know, youíre not crazy, youíre not wrong. And if you canít fix him, fix the way that he makes you feel. Try harder to fix whatís hurting inside of yourself, with or without his support and/or help. And if you work on those things, one day youíll wake up and see his face and know that you are bigger than anything he can say. You will be far bigger than him turning away from you, bigger and better and stronger than his weakness.

I love you. Iím here for you. I will be your strength until you find it again. I know it was a hollow letter because I have constructed them myself. I know because I am you too. I am living your life in a different play on a different stage. We are so much the sameÖ.you are not alone anymore. Iím right here.

Thanks for always being there for me. And for giving me the gift of being able to just beÖme. For being able to say what I need to just sayÖjust to know that itís ok that I am just me.

11:11 a.m. ::
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