cluttering the net since 2001

determinated never terminated

Monday, Feb. 04, 2002
Ya know life goes on with or without you. It just keeps moving along. Lives around you remain the same even when yours is falling apart. I walked out and got in my car today and started to drive to work and realized that my biggest problem in my life is “change”. I am not upset about a house that no one wanted to take care of. I mean I faced it…neither of us wants to plant flowers in flower boxes on the weekends. Neither of us has even attempted to clean up the backyard. We just don’t care. I never cared because he never cared and he probably thinks he never cared because I never cared.

We have an above ground swimming pool in the backyard. The problem was there is a tree back there that was dropping all kinds of shit into the water. One day when he was mad about having to clean out the swimming pool he took a knife and cut the liner and just left all the water come out all over the ground. The liner is still in there with a giant tear. And the fruit trees have grown back up through the liner. And it’s full of stuff from that tree. The backyard is a haven of hell. I do not go back there. I don’t even open the blinds in the bedroom and look out there. It’s a sad sight. No one gives a fuck about it. Including me. I know I am certainly never going to take care of a backyard if he isn’t going to.

There’s tons of stuff in that house that no one ever touches. I have a dining room table covered with tools and bullshit of his. I haven’t sat at that table for over a year now. The dining room is full of junk that should be in a garage, but we don’t have one… I think that someday I’m going to look back at this nightmare and be so glad I’m no longer in it.

I wrote this big long goodbye email to “him” and then he came pm’ing me last night in a great mood on aim and I couldn’t send it. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t say goodbye to one of the best things to ever happen to me. And if I were much like a body being drug across the highway waiting to die, then I’d rather bleed from the action of it than release myself and be the one that let go. I know that it doesn’t make much sense. Saturday night when I was on the phone with him and he was talking to me…I knew. I knew that he’d have to be the one to walk away. I can’t. I’ve never been that mentally and emotionally close to another human being. Never. It just bothers me that it seems to mean far more to me than it does to him. But then I wonder because I think that “he” just doesn’t say how he feels because I’m not freely available to him.

I picked up the phone this morning to call and ask husband if he was going to re-file the bankruptcy so that we could at least buy time to sell and move out…the phone was disconnected. I am so tired of all of this. I’d rather have nothing in life and not lose it than constantly feel like I was losing everything.

I just got a present in the mail here at work from “him”. Something that I was looking for and wanting. He ordered it for me. “Leslie Sansone: Walk Away the Pounds – Get Up and Get Started”. I can’t wait to watch it and see what it’s like. Tonight after work.

Even on the shittiest days of my life…there always seems to be one thing that happens that reminds me that I am cared about. By the way, I wanted the tape. He’s not forcing anything on me. There’s another one on its way too….same girl..different tape. I know two things from all of this. The Atkin’s diet works. Last year at this time I was squeezing my blubbery ass into a size 24 pair of jeans feeling miserable about myself. On Saturday I bought myself a pair of size 16 jeans. I went from size 20 to size 16 in about 4 months time. The biggest change being once I cut out all carbs, sugar and caffeine.

Size 16! I can’t even remember the last time I was wearing this size. Even my shoes are all too big now. They’re like all stretched out. I bought a smaller size shoe too. A pair of ked’s slide on sneakers. Way cool. I can’t believe I am being so successful with all of this at this point in my life.

When I yanked on those size 16 jeans I started to believe that I can take control of my life piece by piece…. When he told me about his email from her and I understood it all…that he was sharing with me…that he was trusting me again….I started to believe that maybe there is a chance that he and I have a future together. Maybe if you want something bad enough…and work towards it…it can happen.

I still have his words on my desk in a frame….every one I work with can see it at any given time.

Kristy I know its gonna be tough for you for awhile. And when you reach the end atleast you’ll be able to find your smile again. When you finally move out of that house, you can kiss away your ball and chain. You wont’ have anyone telling you what to do or someone secretly watching you. Kristy you won’t have to wake up in the middle of the nite all in tears, depressed about your life. Instead you can wake and smile with the sunshine. Thank God for a beautiful day. Live life to the fullest. Take the time you need just for yourself. Always remain loyal to your goals. Use each day to create your dreams into reality. Kristy someday you’ll be finding yourself looking at clear skys at night. Watching the stars above while laying in the arms of the man you love.

I have COMPLETE confidence in you Kristy!

He wrote this to me back in October…they were the words I’ve wanted someone to say to me all of my life and after he did that….every thing inside of me changed. I just typed them in and they bring tears to my eyes because what he says is so true. What he gives me is something I can’t touch or explain. Its far more than love ever was.


A sadness fuels your contemplation
You must remember that your life's
Only just begun
Know you're in the eye of
The hurricane
A safe place only because there
It doesn't rain
A little determination and a little more pride
A little determination will ease your pain inside.

Let me tell you
That you're never alone
-Bif Naked
10:52 a.m. ::
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