PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

i didn't go....but that's alright

Tuesday, Aug. 01, 2006
I have taken in some of the blogher activities that are running around blog world. Youíd have to be deaf, dumb and unable to read the Internet for the last week to not get at least some of the information floating around. I have heard and overheard the term Mommyblog for days now.

What is a Mommy blogger? My question really is not what is one but rather who isnít one? I have a child but I donít consider myself a Mommy blogger. Perhaps because my child is 13 and I have no diapers, bottles, etc. in my world. I donít live that life of late nights, early mornings, crankiness or teething, etc. (yes yes I wishÖ.oh how I wishÖ)

I didnít go to Blogher and have never truly entertained the idea of going. Yes, there are a few people I would like to meet in real life but I can honestly say that those people that immediately pop to mind did not go to Blogher.

In and amongst all the hubbub I did notice that there was one Mommyblogger who went but hasnít updated their blog for several months now but then did so nearly right before Blogher occurred. To be a part of the hubbub? I donít know. I canít speak for why other people do what they do.

When I think of things Iíd most like to do Blogher never tops the list. I couldnít go even if I had wanted to because Iíd be the goon in the hotel room writing a damned paper for school. There is no getting away from that responsibility and itís a full time one that goes everywhere that I go. When I went to Orlando recently I wrote papers from that hotel room. It gets rather disgusting really.

Were there people at Blogher that would be interesting to speak to? YES! Would it be cool to see someone in real life that youíve seen online and read about via their blog? Absolutely. If you are someone that interacts with the blog masses it must be breathtaking to finally meet and hug someone youíve connected with on any level that has impacted your life. I think if I lived in California anywhere I would have driven there. Why not?

NopeÖIím not a big name money making blogger. I donít even call this a blog. Itís my diary. Old school. I donít have a ďpay for itĒ blog nor do I even know the first thing about hardcore web publishing. I started this to save myself from myself when the first marriage was falling apart. I was looking to examine everything in my life.

That remains my foremost reason for doing so. Do I blog about my child? Not so much these days as he is old enough to read it. I blog about whatever might be on my mind. Iím no longer in turmoil and while I do have bad days and my own sets of issues at the moment I donít lean on this outlet the way I once did. Itís now an old habit that I canít let go of and have no desire to let go of at this time. I also do not blog much about my son because he does read and he does deserve my respect in the way of privacy.

My husband tolerates my diary here but he would be thrilled if I just one day stopped. But it would be a short lived thrill as it just doesnít occupy his mind or thoughts all that often.

I imagine that one day the popularity of blogging will die down somewhat, much like the Atkins diet has. It may of course be years and there will be the hardcore people that write like me because theyíve always written in one form or another.

I canít imagine making a living off of my thoughts. I think if you canÖwhy not? I also am amazed that anyone can actually do that. But Iím personally always thrown off by adís on blogs. Thereís enough pop ups etc on the Internet as a whole. I tend to read blogs, diaries and the like from people that I found at the beginning of my own journey who still remain. I have little in common with my most favorite writers, yes we might both be mothers and have had same or similar experiences but I tend to read to see peopleís evolution more than anything else. I really should have been a shrink. Ahh to start back when I was 19 and rebuild my life. Iíd be a shrink and youíd be on my couch.

I donít think I have a broad or big audience and yet the stats say there are some people out there that follow along. I rarely think of my audience outside of terms of the one freak that occasionally says something rude just to be a gas pisser. And I know my son checks in on me and I donít mind that whatsoever. It means that he still cares about good old mom. But outside of that and a few friendships Iíve made I donít think about the masses.

Lately Iím so busy Iím terrible at responding to emails and I often get long beautiful ones and then procrastinate about responding (Meredith I mean you!) and then feel stupid because months have gone by and wonít I look more ridiculas trying to respond this late? Yes I can no longer devote obsessive amounts of time to this as I once did. Iím grateful these days if I can maintain some semblance of life recording so that one day I donít look back on June/July/August of í06 and think what the hell was I doing that I couldnít write at all?

From time to time I do look back at the old entries and I realize the agony I once lived and breath a sigh of relief. Oh hell no my life is far from perfect but I am not living the chaos, the pain, the remorse, the confusion the unrestÖthat I once did. Iím better now. If writing it out and writing it down and crying and carrying on in text helped me get through the ending of a long hard marriage and got me to this point in my life where I smile more, feel joy moreÖ.then thank god for the world of blogging and finding an outlet that helped me.

I am the same girl that sat in an office and decided to write it down somewhere concrete so I could examine my own behavior and my life as I looked back through my previous days to determine where I went wrong and where I wanted to go.

My best and most memorable interactions have come from the authors that have seen me talk of their book and contacted me. That never ceases to be exciting and with the onslaught of all the authors on myspace.com I am thrilled to drop an author a short note telling them I liked the book and hope they write more. Thatís really a nice feeling. That the world is small enough that you can easily reach across it if you so desire.

I have had messages arrive from people I have never met in personÖ.messages that carry me over the darkest hours. That would not occur had it not been for this outlet.

I donít call myself a blogger and I donít think of myself as one of that crowd. Those are the popular girls from high school. Hey I like a lot of those girls and I have chuckled at bits and pieces of what they have had to offer the blogworld. Itís not a bad thing. Iím just not one of them. And Iím ok with that. I didnít tap into this forum to be something. I did it to be someone. Someone that I could respect and love and admire. Iíve overcome a lot. I am working so hard towards a life that I had only dreamed about in the past.

I often look at my serene pond and think about ďhimĒ and Bry and dozens of other friends and close relationships that I have made via the Internet. A lot of those friendships came prior to my first entry on diaryland at poetical.diaryland.com I can barely remember that girl when I read those old entries. I just ache for her because I donít remember her but I still recall that pain.

I think thereís got to be nothing more exciting than connecting with people in person that you connect with mentally. Iíve done that. Iíve met people in real life that I knew only via the Internet. Those experiences changed me and the way I think about the world. Itís not all that big, is it?

Add to that the fact that I am an online student and then do most of my day to day work at my jobplace via the Internet and emailÖthe Internet has changed my world. Itís been a slow steady transformation. Oh, Iíve made the mistakes that come only with the Internet. Trusting someone that you shouldnít trust, etc. It happens to the best of them.

Iím at the point where I donít have time to read blogs every single day like I once did. I check the few that just mean the world to me every single dayÖ.I just had to put my left foot back in the real world too. Itís a balance now for me. It feels right and good.

In the end, I have more to be thankful for because of my miniscule place on the Internet than I have to regret. I suppose that just like some people love pizza and eat it every day Ö.some people love pizza and savor it when they can.

I will say my favorite topics online remainÖ.Echo, Devin, Riley, Trixie, NikkiZ, Mia, G-Unit and last but never least Josie. There are those few Mommybloggers that have shared the joy that it is to have a baby and watch them change and blossom into such sweet little peopleÖ..if you know anything about those little ones you are truly blessed that the term ďMommyBloggerĒ exists. And no theyíre not the only onesÖ.theyíre just the ones Iíve watched.


I came for clarity...I found that and so much more.

8:44 p.m. ::
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