PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

dissmissive two

Tuesday, Jan. 04, 2005

I used to call him after he should have been home. He wouldn�t answer me. I used to leave dozens of messages on his voicemail. The first message would be left after 10 rings, by 2 a.m. they went straight to voicemail�.and they were indecipherable through my sobs and tears . Near 3 a.m. I�d talk myself into hating him over and over again. And then somewhere near 4 a.m. I�d come to my senses or maybe I just turned numb, either way I�d end up calling and entering his password and deleting all my angst and painful messages knowing he never heard them and didn�t care enough about me to listen to them or wonder. I�d realize he was somewhere else that probably felt better to him than being with me in our home. I can recall so many hours feeling so unloved and uncared for. I thought I could forget those days..those moments.

And yet tonight for whatever reasons, call it all what you will�.in the end it�s after midnight and I�m feeling all of those same things and I know it�s no longer him that�s causing them.

I recall the way the shrink told me that all those nights happened because I let them happen to me. I �let them� happen. I allowed it.

I am who I am. I am that girl that gets up daily and trudges off to work because I want to own a home of my own one day. I want to know what it is to drive a brand new car that�s only ever been mine. I want to know that my old age will be covered. I want to know that my son might have a chance in hell of being able to go to college himself in 6 years.

I don�t like people making me feel bad because I can�t throw it all down the drain. I can�t allow anyone to make me feel that my goals mean shit because to me they are everything.

I could not sit somewhere doing what someone else is doing knowing for a moment that it was hurting the one person I loved.

Fuck leaving messages on voicemails, fuck trying to explain�.I only know that I will not sit and be dismissed and made to feel this way for years�THAT shit will never happen to me again. I either matter or I don�t and I�m not going to sit around and try to make myself matter more�more than those other things that creep back in despite the promises.

Not again. I�m going to go somewhere�.with or without anyone along for the ride. If you can't help me steer my life in the right direction than get your own ride.

11:22 p.m. ::
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