PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

doing nothing "together" means everything forever

Monday, Sept. 12, 2005
It’s getting better. I can now have a conversation with my ex whereby I tell him exactly what I intended and my personal feelings about the past do not interfere. I had a conversation like that with him this morning whereby I asked him, “When’s the last time you spent an entire 48 hour period of time with your son alone without anyone else present, just you and him hanging out being together?”



What did I receive on the other end?



Total silence.



He did not have an answer.



I’ve spent the last few years having other people dump guilt trips on me about the current living situation and yet I am here to tell you that I spend more time with my son than some people actually spend with their children that live under the same roof. I certainly spend more one on one time with him than his father ever does anymore, which really honestly just saddens me because it didn’t used to be that way.



What did my son and I do this weekend? Saturday we went out for lunch, we (Rick was along on Sat.) went and saw The Constant Gardener. We then went out shopping at Walmart together and then hung out at home for awhile. Yesterday we again went shopping (at an outlet place where we both got gloves because there’s that one week in Jan in Florida where you need gloves…or at least they are nice to have) and got some lunch and then we saw “Must Love Dogs” together yesterday afternoon. We then came home, hung out at home and then shortly thereafter his Dad came to get him. At 10 p.m. on a night before school. *grumble’s about the time*



I really do wonder how many people spend 36 to 48 hours non-stop with their children every week. Let me further explain what I am talking about. When I have my son, I do not do laundry, I do not wash my car, I do not grocery shop (unless he wants something from the grocery store), I do not do chores, I do not study. (unless it’s 3 a.m. and he’s asleep), I do not do anything that would not be considered fun to a 12 year old child. In essence I spoil him like madly and I’m glad that I do, he’s loved and spoiled but not a spoiled brat. My point in all of this, I can venture to guess that I spend more time with him than his father really does, and I’m positive that his stepmother could do a far better job of it. Ironically even my ex stated that there are problems and that they do not agree on how kids should be raised. Oddly enough, the ex and I had two areas in which we never had issues, and how our son was going to be raised was always one of them. We never second guessed each other.



However his new wife, she’s of the opinion that everything should have its place and be put away in it’s place. I am of the opinion that kid’s should have their own space and be given a place to be a kid within. Meaning, I don’t know too many 12 year old’s that are implicitly neat and orderly. I think all of it goes deeper than that and I spoke my mind to my ex this morning and I feel good about it because I didn’t scream or yell or act irrational. I simply stated, “He loves his father and he loves his mother and if you think he’s ever going to love another human being in that same capacity you’re probably wrong. Yes it can happen, yes it’d be nice if it does happen, but to assume it just will without putting any work into it is wrong.



I have explained to my son that I wish he and his stepmother got along well, I wish she was awesome towards him. Why would I want for anything less for my son? I don’t. I will never respect her because a whore is always a whore, especially one that has no remorse about sleeping with another woman’s husband. Wrong is wrong and it never changes back to right. However, these are things she did to me, not things she did to my son, unless you consider that her actions wrecked a family and a home. I realize and am not so shallow to think that there weren’t other problems in my former marriage. I know they were there. But just as I know there were problems, she knew there was a child prior to marrying him, so why now does she seem to wish he wasn’t there?



The other biggest problem (one that I didn’t even mention to him this morning) is that she controls the money because everything is in her name. The man doesn’t have anything in his name. Nothing. He never paid off any of his debt from before, which is how I know. Because of this if my son asks his father if he can have something while they are in a store, his father will often say yes but then Attila the Hun comes along and says no. His father then sides with her and makes my son remove said item from the basket. This behavior causes my son to lose respect for his own father and feel that she is the “bad” guy. Hmm….but she acts like the bad guy….if the shoe fits….



Rick does not and has not ever told me how to raise my son, what to purchase or not purchase for him. These are decisions that are entirely mine to make. He supports my opinions and wishes where my son is concerned. I believe everyone in a step-parent situation has to find a way that works for them in order to raise the children that are involved. I believe that not everyone must deal with things in the same manner I would but if a child is unhappy then you have to readdress what you are doing to make the best possible outcome happen.



I also brought up the fact that he makes my son do his own laundry. I told him I didn’t have issue with this, but my son is 12 not 25 and needs to be reminded that he has to do his laundry or it won’t get done. He agreed with me, but then he always agrees but then does something else.



The best part of conversations with my ex is the amount of time he sits in silence and doesn’t say a word. I honestly think that he’s intimidated by me. I think that I am far more intellectually intelligent than he doesn’t know how to speak to me directly. Meaning, he always seems to cower somehow. I think he always has done this with me, I just never really comprehended how messed up it is until I met someone that doesn’t cower.



Speaking of which, reason #765,995,345,660 that I pick Rick. He doesn’t back down in conversations with me, he sticks up for himself and his opinions. IE: He’s a man in every sense of the word.



And in case there’s any doubt, I have the best time when I am with my child hanging out goofing off, doing anything, doing nothing, just being together.
9:39 a.m. ::
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