cluttering the net since 2001

everytime you go away....

Saturday, Jul. 12, 2003
I should be in bed sleeping. It's 2 a.m. and I have a million things on my mind. Bucky was here with Rick and I for the last few days while ex was supposedly in Jacksonville for training for work. I don't care where ex was, I just know that I got to spend mucho time with the bestest ever kiddo. We went and saw the Hulk movie, Rick and I were laughing at the outrageous special affects. They were TOO over the top at times. Even the Hulk shouldn't be that BIG! And like I kept telling Rick, "wouldn't his pants burst off with all that growth that's going on?" ;-)

Rick's been telling me that I don't need to be on Zoloft, and I think I'm having at least one side affect from it. He did some research on the net today and sent me a link while I was at work (at my full time job) I'm thinking that perhaps I need to talk to shrinkman about this new information I'm seeing. I thought it was stopping the Zoloft that made me worse, turns out that perhaps someone who's normally healthy and subscribes to seratonin (sp?) med's and then stops might just develop issues and problems they never had before. If you're on Paxil, don't just up and stop it one day, you might just kill yourself. Soon I'll post some links or something, but it's too late for all that tonight.

Rick's over at Randy's apartment and Sanford and Son is on TV. I am clueless about where Chloe is hiding out. (Did I mention she chewed up a book of mine this week when she murdered my new $1.99 booklight. Ugh...a dog that destroys my books? Hmm...she might have to be caged up during alone time. I have alot of potential victims for her.

Bucky got angry with me tonight because I wouldn't buy him a new pair of jeans, why wouldn't I?....because the store was closing in fifteen minutes, the pair of jeans he was holding were 3 sizes too small and I'd have to have him try on the right sized ones either way, and so I offered to buy him a really nice pair of Nike shorts and an equally nice t-shirt, two shirts in fact!...and he was just all pissy because I wasn't going to buy him the jeans he wanted. I told him we didn't have time to try on pants. The Nike shorts were those pull on shiny kind that are easy to judge size with. So, he got all whiney about the jeans, and if there's one thing I never tolerated, it is this "buy me, I want, you should get me.." attitude. I don't mind spoiling him like crazy, and I always did (at least before the split when I could better afford spoilage..*sigh*), but this attitude stuff is a no no with me. So...after a few minutes of this whining I did what I used to always typically do. I put the Nike shorts and two cool shirts down and said, "lets go, we're done with this." He pouted in the truck, which always broke my heart before, but god now...it's like so bad, it kills me. I ask myself if I'm now doing the right thing, because there's so much I feel I have to make up for with him. Not because of my own personal guilts but because I always wanted only one thing for him, and that was a family, like I never had.... After we got back to the apartment I had him call his Dad so he could go home tonight rather than tomorrow morning when he'd have to get up early and leave before I had to be at work. Rick babysat for me today, but that was just a few hours and it was the first time Bucky was alone with Rick. Not that I see Rick as a threat or a problem, but it takes kids time to get used to a person and I wanted their first time alone together to be somewhat short, a sort of trial run. Anyways, I have to work this weekend like normal and so Bucky went home tonight. His Dad didn't want to get him tonight because I assume he had "her" with him and she's deathly afraid of me. hahhaha...whatever. So...Bucky's dad comes to get him. I had Rick walk downstairs with him to watch out for his welfare til his Dad got here. When he did, Rick simply walked away. He said that Bucky never even said goodbye to him. I'm sure all of this is so hard on Bucky. It breaks my heart if I think too hard about all the implications it's all having. Before Bucky left, I gave him some money and told him to buy himself a new pair of jeans, or a toy, or anything he wanted for himself and that I was sorry I didn't have enough time to let him try on those jeans he wanted. He hugged me, but it was like he didn't really want to and was harboring anger towards me. I was bothered, but there wasn't much I could say or do after that.

Twenty minutes after he left, my phone rings. It's him crying into the phone, "I'm sorry Mommy, I just wanted to call you and apologize for getting angry with you about such a small little thing. I'm sorry Mommy, I'm just sorry." OMG...the sweetness, the pure torture at hearing my son crying and I can't reach out and hug him and tell him it's ok. I was just left to say, "It's ok sweetie, Mommy understands, I never was mad or upset with you, I just felt bad I didn't have enough time..."

Never enough time, never a weekend free, never a walk down the hall to see his face. When he's here, it's bliss, but it's a fragmented list of what used to be. It's like looking into a carnival mirror, its there, its all in there, but it's all distorted by something unexplainable.

After he left...and Rick walked back into the apartment, I was biting my lip trying to cause physical pain that would drown out that immediate emptyness that follows his every departure. I never have the words to explain these feelings, how big they are, how small I feel, how helpless I feel. And I tried, I really tried to make it make sense for Rick, but he just held me and said, "you don't have to explain."

I write this here and now because I have to get it out. There is no pill, no sentence structure, no way I can ever fully contemplate it all, but I have to try something to overcome and keep going despite the huge dissapointments I feel daily. My son...he's the greatest. I know he misses me when he's gone. He notices every newness in my life, every change, everything the same. He hugs the dog as if she's his, he reaches for my hand everywhere we go. He sits next to me always. And I know without him every saying it that I am failing him, that by somehow being a failure in that marriage that I have failed my son. I logically know that his father was the one that cheated, didn't pay the mortgage, destructed our lives like a bomb going off in a crowded room. He's a walking lie. I know he is to blame, but when the moment comes for my son to descend those stairs and walk away....all I feel ...all I know...is the high cost of failure, regardless of who failed.

Rick...without you I wouldn't have reason to try as hard as I do. Without your hugs, your shoulder, your strength when I have none, I would have fallen to pieces and not be here to talk about it and seek solutions and answers. I love you. A pair of shoes, an afternoon movie, a dinner even it had been GOOD service...I will never be able to repay you for how much you have given me. Faith...hope....love....these are priceless gifts.


Everytime you go away,
You take a piece of me with you,
-Hall & Oats
2:31 a.m. ::
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