cluttering the net since 2001


Monday, Jun. 03, 2002
Our love's a ship that has its sails a little torn
All we need to do is sew 'em up
And we can weather the storm

I have ‘em playing in my stereo mixing it all up with Blue Joules and it’s all rather cool. One of Blue Joules songs really got to me tonight….

Well it must be a square life you lead
With the glass in front of your eyes
Your eyes
Your frame is complete
But only your pictures change with time
With time

-Blue Joules

I’ve heard this song so many times I can’t even tell you how many and somehow tonight I was like “wow I get what he’s saying”. Combining those two songs back to back…..I remember painting Foreigners lines on my bookcase when I was 13 or 14 and thinking it was a nice analogy. Lou taught me about analogies and just tonight…something clicked. Something that no words can describe to anyone.

“He” called me today at work. Something that took me by surprise. I felt a part of me wanting to touch yesterday. Hearing echoes of a song from far away splitting the long gone silence. His voice filling the void. Then I simply sat in the moment just the way it was. I listened to him talk about nothing things. I replied wth bigger taller nothing things and tried not to concentrate on the fact that at one time his nothing meant everything and now there’s just something that is always going to be there reminding me of too many anythings.

Someone told me tonight that from what they can tell there are few bad people in my life. The problem with that statement is that there are few people in my life period. So how many of those few have to be bad to muddy up the entire pond?

I think we’re all afraid of the fall….

I came at the right time to watch your building fall
and I believe it was the night life that cast that spell upon
and I watched you slowly climb out that hole in your wall and fall
-Blue Joules

JEM : my friend . . . told me that he say this report . . .
JEM : that more and more japanese males are hermiting themselves . . .
Me: why?
JEM : rejecting society and staying at home . . . that this is a trend . . .
Me: hmmm
JEM : its theorized that they don't feel like they have a place in society . . .
JEM : so they stay outside of it . . . in the middle of it . . . if that makes any sense . . .
Me: I don't know sometimes if anything is the answer or if any of it makes sense
Me: I think we're all weeble wobbles trying not to fall down and the fact of the matter is we cant' even fall down
JEM : you don't think we can fall down?
Me: no
Me: I think we're stuck in a perpetual fear of it but it never happens...the fear is enough to break us
JEM : i don't know if i understand your analogy . . .
Me: most people just plain don't understand me
Me: we're all wobbling
Me: fearful
Me: never falling
Me: just so afraid of the unsteadiness that in the end it would be better to just fall and get it all over with
Me: I think the falling is death
Me: and death only
JEM : hmmm
Me: I didn't say I was right
Me: just this is what I think
JEM : i didn't say you were wrong . . .
JEM : i'm just considering

I don’t think that most people understand anything I ever try to say. I think sometimes they get bits and pieces but the biggest picture of me is a giant blur. I think everyone’s always trying to sabotage me. I have no clue why I feel this way. But I do. I also think that most people think that no one understands them. Isn’t it a sad thought to think that we’re all misunderstood and self-centered too?

I’ll never forget one of my first and coolest bosses when I worked at the only record store (yeah I said “record store”) a lonnnnnng time agoooo. Mike…he loved this song by the Fall. He told me this would be me for all life because I’m far too complex for people. They saw my light…came close….got burnt with misunderstanding and retreated in confusion. I often wonder…..but the song remains a favorite…hauntingly favorite. One thing I notice about people that do get to know me. They get to a point where it’s all too complicated and they retreat. But they keep coming back around looking at me. I think I’m like a car crash. Maybe I’m gory yet beautiful, tragic yet interesting…something yet nothing but they keep looking. They never truly go away. They hide in shadows peeking….wanting one more look…one more word.

My friends ain’t enough for one hand
My friends ain’t enough for one hand
My friends don’t amount to one hand
One hand
My friends don’t add up to one hand
Tell you about my friends…
My friends don’t count up to one hand
My friends cannot count on one hand
My friends don’t amount to one hand
Tell you about my friends…
-The Fall

I don’t let a lot of people in and then it seems I never push anyone out. There must be a word for this but I’m just at a loss. And what this statement has to do with anything else….who knows? How can we expect another soul to understand that for which we ourselves are usually at a loss. I personally have always felt that when a person has it all figured out they are plucked from this world and no longer have to weeble.

My Uncle was like that. He was wobbling all through his life. And then one day without notice…without the beginnings of the gloomy song in the background to give way to the future event…he just fell….silent…still.

I think those are the ones that figured it out and just let go. Just fall out...


Where have all my friends gone
They've all disappeared
Turned around maybe one day
You're all that was there
Stood by on believing
Stood by on my own
Always thought I was someone
Turned out I was wrong

You brought me through
And you made me feel

So Blue
Why don't you stay behind
So Blue
Why don't you stop and look at what's going down

All right I miss you tonight
And I'm not really sure what to say
It keeps rolling in like a slow moving train
It gets harder and harder each day
Each time I think that the worst of it's through
I am stopped in my tracks by some vision of you
All right I miss you tonight
I admit that I'm falling down blue
-Blue Rodeo
9:04 p.m. ::
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