PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

fatherhood

Friday, Jul. 07, 2006
First - Special thanks to a special girl in NM who lets me tell her about the juicy stuff without fear.

Iíve never talked too much about my health here. Yes my mental crazies and my therapistsÖyes yes. Iíve talked about the depression (the true dirty D word) so so so many times before. However, Iím speaking of the girly bits and the girly issues. Nope Iíve not done that so so much.

Yes Iíve had a child (13 years ago!) and yes I lost a baby not so long ago in the early stages of pregnancy. However, I have rarely spoken about my inability to get pregnant again or the difficulty in getting pregnant prior to that miscarriage. Rick and I have a very healthy and normal sex life and yet I have not gotten pregnant. I should mention that at age 22 it took 6 to 7 months for me to get pregnant with my son. So it wasnít all that easy way back then.

Now it feels nearly impossible. Iíve finally taken the steps to find out exactly and precisely why and see what can be done. Instead of a random diagnosis by a doctor with not enough testing, I am working with my primary health physician who then will send me with test results to a fertility specialist or whatever kind of specialist may be necessary. She told me a lot of useful information and a lot of easy to solve possibilities and so right now Iím not yet at a loss. Iím feeling optimistic and empowered because Iím taking control of this issue entirely.

Next week Iíll have a long series of blood work done to determine a great many things. Then I will have a transvaginal sonogram, which is somewhat uncomfortable to think about, however it is not invasive so much as itís useful and really the only way to accurately diagnose a lot of things.

I decided to out myself on this issue because I might just need to vent, ruminate and recharge by writing freely about this issue.

I consider myself to be very fortunate to have what I have had in my lifetime. I have a wonderful child already and have long felt greedy at my desire for more than perhaps life wished to give me. However, Rick has no children and wishes for them dearly. I wanted more children long ago, but my ex-husband got a vasectomy as he didnít wish for more after our son. I came to accept this was my fate.

That fate has changed and I am now happily married to someone else and I would love nothing more than to have a baby with a man that I truly love. So Iíll be entering the next week with much trepidation and inner turmoil and also a huge sigh of relief that I am doing all that I can possibly do instead of cowering in fear and questioning.

I never imagined that I would be at this point in this point of my life and so itís taken quite some time to come to this conclusion emotionally and mentally, the place that allows me to go forth without fear of what I might find but rather hope. Hope is a hard thing to find sometimes in the midst of disappointment. However Iíve found it and Iíve buckled myself in for the ride.

Iím a very happy wife and I want more than anything to give my husband the gift of fatherhood.


8:29 a.m. ::
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