cluttering the net since 2001

fatso phobic

Friday, Jan. 11, 2002
I am sitting online listening to a video tape that “he” is playing for me. The Dr. Atkins Diet tape of some sort. Is “he” trying to help me here or is “he” a dick for doing this? I am appalled and yet I am sitting here interested. I dunno. I’m torn. This is fucked….

I just asked him why he ordered this tape and he said “for you and me”. Now ….what kinda answer is that? He’s not fat. I am. I am. Not him. So how can this be for him and me? I know how…he wants a skinny girl. Thus if I “get” skinny then he “gets” what he wants?

I want to believe so badly that he just wants me to be happy. I’ve been struggling for a few months to lose weight. Nothing is working. Of course I don’t have a personal trainer like Oprah had. And I’m somewhat haphazard about my exercising because I have a kid and c’mon how can you go about doing anything structured with that in your life. Not to mention the fact that I have a fulltime job, I’m trying to write a book, I have a harried life and no support that’s nearby.

I’m listening to this guy drone on and on and yet he hasn’t said shit that is informative to me. Hmm….

My neighbor, Mrs. Cleaver tried this diet. Someone on diaryland ….I saw them talk about a diet…I’m not sure who that was or what the diet was but she said it worked. Was that you? Drop me a note if it was….what was the diet?

Wait….fuck…..I’m mad at him….right? right? Am I? Is he doing this because he knows how miserable I am, and how much this weight issue is holding me back…or cause he wants that skinny girl? The only thing I can go back and think about is the fact that when I said I wanted to write a book, he got me a writing course online. When I’ve asked him about anything…shown an interest in anything…he tries to help me achieve. I have achieved other things along the way because of him.

But then again…if I lose the weight and I’m still pissed off at “him” I can go find a hottie to make me happy right? So why get bent outta shape right?

But this…this just rubs my fat ass the wrong way. (at least I still have a sense of humour..right?) A man that claims he doesn’t want to hurt me calling me up on a Friday night cause he wants me to log onto my computer and listen to “diet” video tape via the Internet. I just dunno.

Ut oh…..I just typed to him “you didn’t buy this for YOU”. He freaked out and said “I bought this for us…why do you question everything I do..why can’t you just be happy that we’re doing stuff together?” He has a fucking good point. Why do I analyze everything? Why do I feel this need to know why “he” does what “he” does? He thinks he knows me inside and out. But he doesn’t ever seem to get the gist of the fact that I’m fucked up and have some sort of mental block when it comes to self acceptance and why I question everything everyone around me does.

Nevermind the fact that I just sat here and listened to 2 hours of a diet video that I couldn’t even see. And never once said “why can’t you love me for who I am instead of what I look like?” Because yes…I know he’s trying to help me with this issue like he does all the others…but I just….fuck! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I am grappling with this one big time….and don’t tell me that he should just love me for me either. I think he does….but he wants me to love me. There’s a tough feat. A close to impossible one when you look in the mirror and you’re true self is hidden under layers of guilt and heartache and chocolate bars of the past.

Wow…I just think I went through every emotion known to mankind in the last two hours of listening to Dr. Atkins and chatting to “him” on this issue. Every emotion. A skinny me would just be at peace with herself.

Ok just so that I can still laugh about all of this…..gotta love this song… It is a parody of "Zoot Suit Riot" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies with original lyrics by "Weird Al" Yankovic.


Grapefruit Diet

Who's that waddlin' down the street
It's just me 'cause I love to eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Might seem a little severe
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear
Blow, fatty!

Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I got more rolls than a pastry truck
When I'm all done eating
I eat a little more
When I leave a room
First I gotta grease the door

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Can't have another eclair
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I gotta decrease my derriere

I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet

No more pie now
No more creme brulee
Lay off the gravy
And souffle
No french fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
Mr. Cheese Nacho
Stay away

Oh I think I'd sell my soul
For a triple patty melt
But I need a boomerang
When I put on my belt

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Lay off the 3 Musketeers
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years

I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet

I think I'm about ready for a Quarter Pounder with extra cheese
I need a side order of onion rings
And don't forget to Super-Size that
9:41 p.m. ::
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